I still hope

As the few who follow my blog already know, I was raised in a pro-LF family, personally I find it difficult to fit in the LF. To be honest, the idea of belonging to a “certain” political party doesn’t convince me, I have my own opinion and there has been no one who actually represents my opinions, not even 70% of my opinions. But there are times when I feel like I can’t really escape my family’s influence. Tuesday was one of those times.

I couldn’t stay indifferent to this guy’s death. I admit that Gebran’s death personally hurt me more, but you know the sadness of losing Pierre is not just about Pierre. His death was the culminating point of 2 agonizing years. Where we have struggled, resisted and won. But we also lost and the losses were big. Above all the agony resides in confusion. When the Syrians withdrew, we were happy, we had won and we were united (I know it sounds like a cliché but that is how we were). When the 14th of March coalition was shaken we felt hurt. When the July war took place we were petrified. During all these phases people were dying, you could say that our revolution was bleeding. And then Pierre died, of course he’s one guy who died among others, but how many losses can we survive? We look back at the past 2 years and we ask ourselves:

What the hell went wrong?

Where is the line that we have crossed taking us from one side (liberation) to the other (mayhem)?

Many can give me excuses, many can say that this was the reason or that was the reason… it was because of this or because of that. But to all I answer: We did it all for the love of a country, of a dream.

I find myself today the same place I found myself before 2005, I find myself deploring the dream that we have all lost because we just tried too hard and didn’t know what to do.

Now more than ever I believe that what is going on today in my country is the mere result of any revolution against occupation… It will have to turn against itself and revolt against itself again and again. Blood might be shed, but nothing comes for free. Even though revolutions always come with innocent blood uselessly shed, I like to believe that any further blood shed will be avoided, I hope for that, I pray and I will work as well as I can.

Two years ago I resisted hoping and dreaming of a sovereign, free Lebanon. Today I feel totally Red like our cedar revolution. I DO believe in it and I will defend it. I refuse to be ungrateful to this revolution. In March 2005 we were winning, today we feel like we struggle against strong currents and it takes all our energy just to remain sane! Where did all the heroes go? Maybe they just died?