I lived almost the same experience as an adolescent. I thought the changes on my body and its mutilation was God’s punishment for masturbation. But I was also raised to believe that God never I punishes… I was fucked up!
And what was more fucked up is that I kept believing I was bringing the mutilation to myself and trying to fix it for a very long time, until I was 19. I am not sure why I lived this phase for so long. Even after the suicidal phase of my life ended at 14 the shame was always there, I always believed I’d never get married since my husband would be repulsed and disgusted by my looks. And I still feel terribly ugly! I am bitterly relieved to see people talk about the things that bothered me also. I often think of how many people still live in that hell, it’s unimaginable. How can a healthy child turn into such a crippled teenager? Simply by using the weapon of ignorance and adding the typical religious guilt. I grew up thinking I was the only human being with such extremely ugly genitalia! I thought everyone else had ones that looked like babies… Just as I lived my whole life thinking I was the only one who tried to herself in the world. This is why, whenever I am talking to someone, I do say that I tried to kill myself, hopefully I would contributing to breaking down that wall of silence that suffocates us all.
Some people feel that my bitterness towards religions and the Church is irrational and doesn’t really make sense, inno I exaggerate. But I don’t! I suffered the same oppression, hurt and psychological mutilation as almost everyone around me. I was more vulnerable because I took it more seriously and religions, if they are true, should be taken seriously, so I suffered irrational suffering because I did the right thing, I believed them!
Now I don’t believe them anymore and there are no half solutions, it’s either these religions are true or they are not! And they are NOT… So yes, when my brother comes to me telling me about what he learn in class today about GOD, I freak out! If my brother goes through what I went through because of those religious bastards I don’t know what I could do, all I can do is to hope he doesn’t. I just hope he survives it long enough to write about it as I write about it now, I’m sure he’d be a very happy adult if he does.