Monday, August 07, 2006

I have a dream

I said it before; we in Jounieh have hardly felt this war, if it wasn’t for the TV coverage and a few occasional strikes here and there. We haven’t really felt the danger. But still, we really feel concerned with this bloody war. I am actually stressing about this, I am not even sleeping well, my mom’s sleeping all day long, and when she is awake she’s extremely grumpy. We just can’t feel unconcerned with this.

Since the explosion if the violence, I have thought and rethought this so many times and it seems like a vicious cycle that never ends, there seems to be no way out. I have noticed a remarkable optimism that I have never suspected about myself but I guess that’s just a way to face this feeling of helplessness.

And for the last week, I have been sleeping every night wishing, dreaming that tomorrow it will suddenly end. I don’t know how but I just wish it would all STOP. It’s already too much. When this all started, I kind of hoped that this would only last a few days, after which Hezbollah would be forced to disarm itself and then would come the turn of the Palestinians and maybe then the centralized power would be strong enough to protect us. Yes it’s not that simple. But I feel as if all we have left are dreams and hopes.

Unfortunately, every morning I wake up (actually I wake up at noon but anyway) I monitor the TV all day long, and still no hopes of a cease-fire. At first I thought that the Israelis must not stop till Hezbollah agrees to hand over its weapons, but now I just want it al to stop. How is it possible to be so oblivious to all the suffering? How can anything positive come out of all this? I have a brother you know, and I can’t help but to think about the possibility of him being the next dismembered baby that Hezbollah will use to win points and the Israelis would use to pressure the Lebanese public opinion to turn against Hezbollah. And I don’t want to see that. All those children, they were all just children, maybe to some they were just future moojahideen, but no one has the right to deprive a child its childhood.

And I still watch TV and I am still angry, I am angry, because moderation seems to be the weakest pillar of the formula. Moderate are even speechless, we are increasingly finding nothing to say while seeing all this. We are running out of positive scenarios, we want peace but peace doesn’t seem to want us.

Every night, I go to sleep thinking to myself: Nah! That’s as bad as it gets, it’ll get better.

Every day I seem to be wrong, and something worse even happens, and more people die. And I find nothing to say. More people lose their homes; go live like animals in gardens and in public schools. And I find nothing to say.

Yes, I wish I was a fanatic, I wish I could just say that these are Shiia people, they had what they deserved, no one forced them to support Hezbollah, it’s all their and Hezbollah’s fault. Trust me, I have heard this speech very often around me. But it just doesn’t make sense, and this solves nothing. Against anyone’s will these are Humans and against anyone’s will no one has the right to kill them or to use them as human shields.

I know I am right, I know they are wrong, but still they decide of my life, and still no one listens to me, no one really cares, and those who care are not listened to.

But it will end, I know it will, I just want it to end NOW!

4 comments:

shlemazl said...

I think your dream may come true, but it will take an awfully long time... Just a wild guess

Jos said...

Pazuzu, I've been reading your blog,and what you expresed since the being of this mad war, and while reading it, I'm nodding my head all the time : I swear you are expressing what I, my family and everyone around me are feeling, thinking and enduring every second/minute/day. I approve every word you said, coz this is exactly what I feel and what I want to. We thought it was a dream to have a better country, it ended being an endless nightmare, with no way out. Just want it to STOP STOP.

Pazuzu said...

Shlemazl:
No offense but we knew it would take time, but you wanted an immediate end

Pazuzu said...

Jos:
Yes, I don't know what to say, we just feel so weird