Monday, July 10, 2006

Talking about the single most important bright pretty individual on earth ME

So here's the funny twist, I constantly work on improving myself, I manage to gradually but constantly changing but never improving:

I always praised the importance of being moderate, how people should have a little bit of everything, how extreme measures are usually the cause of a lot of pain and misery. Somehow that always seemed natural to me to seek the wisdom of the ones that came before me. All through my life I never revolted, I always had my own mind but I never talked about it, never wanting to hurt anyone's feelings, being perfectly aware that it's difficult to express one's opinions and feelings, there fore when someone told me something (anything) I respected that and I often agreed so that I would prevent them feeling bad. This made me a very easy going and nice person to have around, always calm, and to be perfectly frank, everybody felt sorry for me, because I was too quiet and too shy, and I knew that's how they felt.

I was always desperate to be smart, more precisely to be wise. Maybe because I failed to be anything else. I had built my life on avoiding mistakes. And since I always compared myself to my brother, who was a wild revolutionnary genius, and I always tried to do the right thing. I remember when I was 5 or 6 I honestly believed my brother was evil, that he will go to hell one day, while I will go to heaven, I guess I didn't know back then how much I loved and needed him and most of all I was totally consumed with jealousy. Whatever it was, for me he was the force of change that destroys the beauty of age, he loved modern music while I saw modern music as a destruction of the old and classical music; he would try everything and break every rule, while I drained my deepest satisfaction from my sense of conformism. I predicted his failure, and for long he seemed to be heading straight to his loss. His school achievements were very mediocre, but he always managed pass through. He broke all rules but he always managed to win everybody's heart.

As for me... Well I was never as smart as I wanted to be, and most importantly I was never noticed. Yes that is exactly what used to kill me, I did better than him in school, I always did what people wanted me to do, I was always perfect (if compared to him) but no one ever saw me! For years I built my web of social life as an annex to his. When it came to socialising with people my age, I was always Zouzou's sister, even today people often identify me with my brother, I am still Zouzou's sister.

I felt I had to live my life away from his shadow if I wanted to be anyone, at least if I wanted to be anything more than his sister. And what scared me even more was that as I dissociated myself from him, as we started living in different biotopes, I realised that I was creating new Zouzous to be jealous from. It was most flagrant when I came to know one of my best friends, we called her Zana (that's her nickname) and she was so much like me, I almost felt as if I found my twin. But that was so ephemere soon enough trouble appeared. Among those problems was my terrible jealousy of her, I often said to myself that those who come to know me MIGHT like me, because I was simply different, but those who both of us won't even notice me, because she was just as special as I was, only better, she was prettier and more confident and more socially OK, I was better than her in school, but only slightly. Eventually, and for many reasons, I stopped wanting to see her or anyone else, at that time I was crossing the line toward a new world. I was discovering Becca.

Yes I was becoming me, finding the small things that made me who I am, I had my first summer job, I was starting to rethink everything under the light of a knew knowledge of the world. I stopped wanting to say I am sorry, and I stopped seeking guilt sources. I decided that Jesus was a happy God and I believed God can speak to my heart and that I have inside me all what jesus wants from me, what feels good is good. It is useless to say sorry all the time because I am not mistaking all the time. My little brother was giving me so much self confidence, i saw the way he makes mistakes and how we fixed his mistakes, how that never broke him. And to top that all, Cupid gave me a little visit and for once in my life I felt pretty despite the ugly package. You could say I simply changed directions in life, not necessarily to the best, but I was satisfied of the overall results.

However, I discovered something about myself; I am so impulsive, despite my strong belief in rationalism and the importance of balance. MY internet addiction was a flagrant proof of that. You see I was instantly hooked with the beauty of the web, it was weird and scary. I feared I might become a junky or something, and in fact that was exactly was I was, I was totally addicted. My defenses would never allow me to admit that, and I kept denying it. But then I failed my academic year because I didn't study well and I had to admit it at least to myself, only I kept denying it whenever someone would dare talk to me about it. I kept saying that the problem is not with the internet it was with me, that I wasn't motivated enough, that I simply was a failure that simply can't make it through, I watched everybody go forward with there lives while I was sitting back. I was simply not interested.

And then I couldn't pay for my internet connection, so I stopped it, and the surprise was: I was right when I lied! It was never about the internet, it was about ME!

Don't get me wrong, this is not a good thing, because back then I thought that maybe when I'll no longer surf the internet I'd study more, I was SO wrong. Now for example I spend my time reading! Like what?! I read like an addict, the other day I read 250 pages in one day! It's sick. And here's the funny part, no one thinks it's weird, you see spending 8 hours on the internet is called addiction, reading for 12 hours is being cultivated. SO in fact I am still not studying, but I am doing so with style. If only they knew.

But they don't know and that's the cool part. I can, as always give a big illusion of being an educated person with so much to do with my life, when the only thing that I am interested in is being left in piece.

1 comment:

shlemazl said...

I am a bit like that as far as addictions are concerned. Go though phases, do something really really well, spend a hell of a lot of time and then... move on to something else.

About reading... Do you like Anatole France? From the same era as Zola, but I prefer France. His Pinguine Island is one of the best books ever.