Saturday, June 10, 2006

Why I'm never happy

I am feeling better today, I studied a little bit and effectively, which boosted my state of serenity. Anyway, I also got to check some of the comments to entries I posted last time (yes, sometimes I get to check the page but not to answer or post, merci Zouzou). Shlemazl asked a very good question.

Well, Shlemazl, I thought about that question a lot and I seriously tried to find an answer. And as I grew up (yes I am such an adorable, ever changing, diaperless baby) I had many theories, some are absurd but everything I think is part of who I am so here they are:

  • I am Hypersensitive, I can sense things that others simply don't notice. God has chosen me, you know the passage in the bible where people are not given the same package and that each should (and must) work according to his/her package to come up with the optimal results. Well I believed that I had a very big package, and therefore I have to give alot, at the same time I knew that my results at least are average, meaning that I was failing my purpose in life.
    This was mainly how my brian functionned when I was around 12 and before.

  • A weirder thought infiltrated my limited number of neurons around the age or 13 and crashed with the previous one?:
    I am the center of the world, this whole world's maybe an illusion weaved around me, therefore if I feel all this pain it's because I am more real than anyone else. All others are just here to serve one purpose: To show me the way I should be. Kind of like reading a book, everybody's just drawings on some paper. God had painted all this around me in order to show me how to survive in life. Yes, yes I believed that there were GOD and just under him there's ME.

  • And if you are not laughing too hard I will move to my interpretation of my depression at around 14 maybe a little earlier, more precisely at the time when I was feeling too tired of trying to die, trust me it was literally HELL. NEVER AGAIN!:

    Something's wrong with me, I need help; maybe I'm suffering some sort of organic dysfunction, or some character disorder. I need help I need it fast.

  • Then when I was 14 or maybe 15 things got better:
    I am simply not that depressed. I am not that sad, and everybody goes through the faze I went through. This rather normal thought was implanted in my mind by a priest who’s help I looked for in order to help me with my suicidal thoughts, it was the only time I ever talked to him, but he literally save my life. He was awesome, he got me back in touch with the world.

  • Then when I became 16 and beyond, I felt better, I was more peaceful, and somehow I was happy. I kind of stopped thinking of why I was sad. I was still having ups and downs, and downs and downs, and downs and ups... you get the point. But somehow I was just remasticating my old interpretations, especially oscillating between "I'm sick" and "I'm fine" theory.

  • But then in the recent years, I was able to distance myself better from psychotic ideas, I got to open up to others, I talked to my brother alot, I got to see the world from his eyes, and that helped alot, because he was so close and yet so different from me. In addition I had a few friends, I kind of came to realise that I can love some friends, without being too close, in other terms I didn't feel so weird for being afraid of closeness. I felt normal, somehow human, and I felt loved and successful. I also got to read alot about human psychology, about pathology and all. And I came to realise that I will be fine, and I even learned lots of tricks to hide my social weirdness.

    In all this, I came to accept the fact that I am a pessimist, I tend to dramatise everything. I just love it to say the truth. You see, being depressive is very addictive, I have noticed that when I talk to myself in a depressive way I feel like I'm home(yes I talk to myself all the time and I am not ashamed of that). It's a little difficult to explain. But anyway, I hope you get my point.

  • However, the last year was particularly stressful, I am not complaining, it was very enriching, but it is proving to be very challenging too. And to say the truth I feel that it's slipping from my hands, and I can't hold on to it, no matter how hard I try. I feel trapped in my destiny, I was born poor, and I feel condemned to remain poor. I also feel totally talent-less, I struggle only to survive in college. And, you know, I am a very selfish person, I want to be better, than others, I want to get better grades and I want to be superior. And I manage to give an impression that I am "smart" by reading and talking alot as if I know it all. But then when I fail course after course, I can't always explain and justify all that. And when I look at my brother's success I can't help but to realize that I have no way of being as successful as he is. And that I don't do anything because I enjoy it, but because I want to look better, and I want people to give me compliments.

That's about it. When I read it back, I can't really say that I gave a good answer to "why" I'm always so depressive. I am not like that all the time, in real life, I am not such a whiner, I tend to be more silent and I take great pleasure in hiding everything from everyone and trying to make everyone leave me alone. Then to talk about myself (but only in the past tense). I don't mind talking about intimate subjects (at least most of them), but I don't like talking about my present feelings and most of all I don't like to tell people what effect they have on me. So posting about this anonymously is a good way to whine all the time, without being boring, because people that hang around my blog are people that enjoy it, they wouldn't be here if they didn't.

And finally, I must tell you that I haven't been myself, it's the stress of the exams and everything. You should check my blogs later and compare them. Maybe in 2 years from now, lol.


shlemazl said...

You are hypersensitive and overdramatize everything? I thought that just means you are female.

You are talantless? Have you come across a good English term "bullshit"? I have been reading your posts and believe me it's not true.

Performance at university and in life is a simple reflection of how hard you work and how positive you are.

Ah well, you really needed my views on all these matters, didn't you :-)


Pazuzu said...

oh? I don't really understand what you're apologising for but my magesty forgives you anyway...

Anyway not all girls are hypersensitive, and besides why couldn't I get all the good stuff from being a woman? Not fair