Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Two years from Now

Two years from now.

Two years from now that was always my hope, in my mind things were going to get better it just takes a couple of years to sort out. The only time when I didn't have faith in those two years from now was the time when I had no hope at all, and the results were catastrophic.

Two years back, when I was 14 I had just survived the worst self destructive cycle of my life, I was numb and I was saying to myself:

2 years from now, I will feel much better, I will look back at these days and laugh about it. I will be 16, Georges will go to school for the first time in his life. Our economic situation will improve. I will be in the first year of the secondary cycle in school (seconde as we call it), everybody says that year's so fun. In two years from now, I will have something pretty to wear and I will be more confident with myself

I DO feel much better in a way, but 8 years after that horrible year, I still can't laugh about it and I am still scared to fall back. Georges never went to school at 3, he had to wait till he was 4. Our economic situation DID improve but not durably. Seconde was cool, I discovered that I had a talent for literature and a terrible love for science (in brief I loved it all). I didn't have anything pretty to wear and I sank even deeper into sociophobia.

At 15:

2 years from now, I will be 17, I will have the chance to choose the science branch, there fore I will study less economy and all the boring stuff. That class is known as rather tough, that's my chance! I will excel in that year and everybody will think that I am smart!and of course In two years from now, I will have something pretty to wear and I will be more confident with myself

I DID choose the science branch, I did NOT excel, I was just the average Rebecca and I did manage to feel bored with studying some science material that used to keep my eyes wide open in the past. And of course I did NOT find my self confidence. However, at 17 I did get to discover the word: Masturber (I had heard the Arabic version before but the Arabic version is rather frustrating, it's called secret habit... Like come on!

At 16:

2 years from now, I will 18, I will be an adult. I will be able to choose my own path in life, I will become a nun, and everything will be OK, no more difficulties, everything will just be FINE. I will be safe, and my struggles will suddenly end.


I will go to the university. I will study biology, I will excel there! First year biology is famous for being the toughest academic year ever. And when college will be over, maybe I'll come back to my ... Well to my sweet heart of that time, if I get the chance to develop any sort of relationship with him during the next 2 years.

Yes 16 was a very hopeful year for me. But then two years after that Church in general became something I really don't admire. I just lost interest in those values and I stopped talking to god. And my pseudo romance abruptly died the next year, for no reason, and I suddenly realized that I wouldn't love him anymore even if he got on his knees declaring his love to me, simply because I had a totally different perspective in life. To top that all, first year biology was disastrous, hated every moment in it (except for hanging out with the girls and gossiping about everything that moved!), I ended up failing miserably!

At 17 I had the chance to work, it was a very pleasant surprise and despite my huge persistent social difficulties I adored the chance:

Great! Life's actually moving forward! I can do it. I feel more confident, what I needed was to be forced to get in contact with life and people, I'll never be sociable but now I know how to handle it. I have MONEY!!! I will work each and every summer from now on. 2 years from now I will be in my second year biology, I will be excelling, like never before, I will be 19 I will hopefully learn how to drive, who knows.

19 was the most average year, I did change, but I was so ... Average!

At 18 during the summer (that was before I enter college) I couldn't work, because my mom was supposed to have an operation, and she asked me if I could just not work this year:

Well, yes sure I am not the brightest kid on the block, but it will get better, next year we'll have lab work. And in 2 years from now, I will be in 3rd year biology, it's famous for being tough too (not as much as the first year of course!) but then I'd be studying the specialization materials, I will do good in that. I know it.

Well I am now in the 3rd year biology, and all I can say is: I am totally failing, FAR away from excelling or even making it through.

At 19:

It's ok, I am feeling much better, i am discovering the world with my own eyes. In 2 years from now, I will be about to finish college, I will soon be working and that will make it all better.

At 20, I discovered the pleasures of the internet... And well there were many things that happened and you could say I became who I am now, for the first time:

... Just let it be...

At 21, viewing my recent difficulties:

I can't do it, 2 years from now I will either finish college and start a bright career of unemployment! Or I will still be in college because I have failed this year. I will never have my moment, because I have no talent, maybe I should study anthropology, or, I don't know, I still haven't finished my German lessons. I will never be happy in a relationship. I have nothing to hope for. But then again, this isn't the first time I feel like this, 2 years from now, something will happen. I will be better, it's going to be ok (I think)

It's true, it's not the first time I have this sense of hopelessness... Last time this has happened I ended up trying to die... But hey! I lived it once and I won't fall again.

What I find most of all weird, is the fact that I always feared that the two years from now hopes would never come true, but I never considered what might happen if I ever stop hoping for the next 2 years. But that’s probably transitional.


Nomad said...

la crise d'ado est longue semble-t'il !

shlemazl said...

"I will have something pretty to wear" - sweet.

The rest is interesting, well written, but... you are scaring me a bit. It doesn't make sense. You are obviously

-a gifted girl.
-a pretty girl (I have not seen you, but it's a reasonable guess - all girls are pretty to me).
-Really nice sense of humour.
-very bright and lots of common sense.
-brave (I would not be able to write some of the stuff you wrote about yourself).

WTF is wrong :-) ? Everyone gets opportunities to be happy. You just need to be alert and take them when they come. Our lobby will ensure that you get your fair share of opportunities.

Pazuzu said...

lol nomad, exactement

Shlemazl I answered your question on an independant entry :D