Wednesday, June 07, 2006

It will soon be over

It's awkward how My mood has remained Bitchyly unchanged through the last couple of weeks. What the hell is wrong with me, I have even managed to hate my own blog during the last 10 days. I seem to be burning with anger beyond my own capacity to control.

I am not sure, what is the reason behind all this; I mean here's the Summary of all the possible reasons:

  • My menstrual cycle that coincides with its lowest level of Hormones during the month

  • My fucked up sleeping habit, the reason behind that is the exams, and my extreme difficulties to catch up and to concentrate on studying.

  • My Exams that have reached the most critical part, soon I will finish my exams, then my results will show up, then results will show up, which means that I will have to figure out the lie that I am going to come up with to justify my failure in Botany and English (psst, I only went to do 4 exams in the second semester, I might tell my parents that I have failed 2 of these 4 exams while in fact I failed 2 out 3, if not more... Anyway, it's a mess)

  • The fact that I have lost my internet access, and during the last 15 months I had found a good means of entertainment, I had given up on watching TV, I have reduced my social life to what I actually like (not just whatever fills my time)

  • The recent Format My computer went through, which erased all my data. I am particularly suffering for losing all of my e-books, songs and games.

  • Anticipating my financial situation during next year... MY GOD It's going to be such a hell!

As a direct consequence of all, some or the interaction of these reasons; I am finding myself in the "hate you, hate you, hate you" mentality. I mean I DO have a lot of reasons to feel good, but I don't. I get this feeling that there is an electric charge around my heart. Nothing feels good anymore, I am eating just to ... well I don't know why I'm eating I have no appetite at all. I am running out of fantasies (I am NOT elaborating that point). Even sleeping has no taste. I just feel like secretly steeling some of our drugs, but I am afraid that I might need those later during the summer, so I can't do that.

On the bright side, my brother's notes' bulletin has arrived, he made some important progress. Actually it was awesome progress. But you see, in my family we (kids) have this sort of weird problem with concentration, and Georges' suffering alot from it. His Arabic and french teacher had one thing to say: Needs too much encouragement, and lacks motivation in class. His Math teacher's pretty satisfied, she should he scored 18/20 damn it! His best score was in Informatique and his travaux manuels, but these don't figure in his final grades.

On his general evaluation page, it was weird. I mean he's clean, he respect his teacher, his friends, he's calm, bla bla bla... But according to the note he has No interest in learning to new things and he shows no interest in interacting with his peers. Those are his only problems, but damn... I would have prefered to see him being turbulant and maybe annoying, but not this. I don't want him to suffer from social problems, or having no interest in school. I saw this coming but I just hoped, wished, it wouldn't happen, if only I could grab his arms and shake him and say: "Run for your life. RUN! Save your life! Be anything but don't be like me!" But who am I kidding, he's probably becoming like this because of my influence.

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