Friday, February 19, 2010

It's time for some life updates

That's what we bloggers do best, or at least we Lebanese bloggers do best... Say "sorry guys, I was too busy to blog." Most of the time, we also like to add a long list of everything that have kept us busy lately, but usually we are too busy to tell our followers that we are busy.

So I started writing at 9:57PM, February 13, 2010. I am sitting at starbucks cafe (yeah yeah, I know a true leftist elistists, Queer Lebanese should be too proud to sit at starbucks and sip her coffee... Bite me. It is valentine's eve, in other words, it's my birthday. Today I turned 25 years old. I celebrated my birthday by cleaning all day, trust me, cleaning, masturbating, cooking, drinking, and smoking are the greatest pleasures in life.

It is also the eve of the commemoration of Rafik Hariri's death. The cedar revolution days are long gone, so is my interest in that kind of politics. The days when I used to participate in demonstration called for on TV, the days when the death of politicians touched me, etc. Bref, on that level I'm a different person. Nowadays, when I see the demonstrators in the streets, honking and singing, I smile, but I kind of feel sorry for them. Not because political engagement is so passé, or that one should grow out of it. But because when I look at them I either think that they are wasting their time, or I remember this blog, where I used to write my fingers out, speaking of politics and trying to put my culture and my background into words.

And when I think of this blog, I think of myself, how I was 4 years ago (yeah this blog is more than 4 years old). I think of how different I am today, and how I came to be the person I am today. My political views have changed radically, sometimes I feel ashamed of my positions and opinions of back then. But I refuse to delete any post, I certainly refuse to drop this blog and start all over again. That simply wouldn't be like me, I refuse to omit parts of my history (before starting to write this, I was reading this article: How Real is Our Sense of History?). What is ironic somehow is that recently, and for the first time in four years, I censored one of my posts and removed it. I guess, for the first time in this blog's history, have I realized that I am no longer writing for myself and seeing how others react to it. Instead I am officially writing, I have people that could read this blogpost that I have not met through this blogpost and for whom I am willing to censor myself.

What else has changed about my life? Well there's a lot to write about, a lot that I need to document for myself and for my own future. there's a lot of gaps that I have left out, because I did not have the time to write, I did not have the time to write because for the past 3 years I was working, most of the time, working over my own ability to manage. My body's still objecting to my lifestyle, by dropping more weight and complaining, aching and demanding sleep. Over the past three years, I did not have any time off, I did not have 5 days when I did/thought of nothing in specific. I am hoping to change that next week. Why? because, you see, in the past 3 years I spiraled from engagement, to full-time volunteer activism, to a full-time needlessly stressful job with a very low salary while sustaining activism, then to a full-time paying activism, then to full-time stressful job with ok salary while sustaining activism, then to dropping activism and focusing on a full-time ok paying job, then to full-time job plus part-time job plus volunteer work plus a relationship.

I know it seems like useless repetition, but it's not. Really, this is only to explain the stress level. I have survived the past 3 years with all its stress only to get to today, today I turned 25 years old, and I am unemployed. I was laid off yesterday. I was never laid off, this is a first time, and even though I was not fired (it was sort of like the end of the project which dictated the termination of my contract), I still feel awkward. I am a bit worried about my financial security, but not worried enough. I am also feeling awkward and I feel I have so much time on my hands, I am no longer used to having this much free time, yes of course I have lots to do, but I don't have to struggle to wake up every morning, run to the office and work on a specific thing for over 8 hours, then run to do everything else. I can sleep, most of the days, blog, visit the bank more often, maybe visit my parents, cook, clean, read... Wow... Yes of course I lost my stable salary, for sure I need to figure it out, but I guess I never really appreciated the effect of full-time jobs have on me, somehow office hours get easier for most people, for me I would end up hating the job because of I have to be in a certain place at a certain time. I am not sure if I should still try to get full-time jobs or maybe focus on a different formula. But I really feel good about this newly discovered freedom.

Oh and guess what... do you remember when I used to whine and deplore my university exams? I'm still in that same place, speaking of ironic, but no seriously, I should take advantage of this rare chance of free time and just be done with it. I doubt that I would have the same opportunity in September. Another thing that has remained stable in my life is depression, and as I always used to say (when I wasn't too depressed to think) I only learn to cope with it better, but I never got over it. One skill I did not predict learning was to keep depression to myself, I kind of bought all the bullshit about speaking up to feel better. The blogosphere was relatively the most understanding environment for my ordeal. Yes, I have found people that nodded with understanding, sometimes they teared with me and tried to tell me that I will be ok, but for the most part, I found that my ecosystem usually expects me to be un-depressed and ok all the time, unless I had a good excuse to be sad. Needless to say that I faked excuses more than I faked orgasms in my life.

Bottom line, if you want to hang out with people you look up to, you better keep your addictions. More often than not, a bottle of vodka is more understanding than a loved one or a best friend.

Speaking of friends... oh wait, I shouldn't speak too much of friends, they're as ephemeral as relationships. But speaking of friends, I lot most of my friends in the past years, one traveled and even though I still speak to her online (as I used to when she was in Lebanon), I miss her so badly, and sometimes I just feel like ordering her to come back (I mean, what's a PhD if you're friend orders you to come home, right? lol, love you deems!) Some of them are just way too busy to hang out with me (mutual), others just cut me off or lost interest in me (more or less mutual), others yet just screwed me up (not so mutual in my opinion, but then again I could be biased). But somehow I don't regret being so close to those that I now view negatively (bahahaha, now I had to pull out all my political correctness to come up with this one). Somehow, these friends helped shape my current situation, and maybe with some, the greatest favor that my friends gave me (whether they are human friends or alcoholic ones) is that one night, in the lost lands of Jounieh, I acknowledged being raped. It took me 4 years, which I guess would be a long or short time depending on your own experience, but for me it was a long time of me telling myself that I chose to be there, with that person, at that time, and do the stuff I did when I almost begged to get out and to be left alone. And I finally did say it, so thanks Shant, Nance and Vodka.

Ok, now that I wrote that down, I just ran out of inspiration and I have nothing left to say... So I guess I'll see ya all laters?

1 comment:

deemzi said...

I love you Pazuzu! Have I ever told you what an amazing person you are :)
(PS. I want to come back! And why didn't you stop me from leaving in the first place...knocked me on the head with a pan or something :P)