It’s weird how life can turn around and twist us to the point of breaking us apart and then it would gather our broken pieces and breathe life back to our bones and we go on with our life as if we never suffer. Then years after it you would still think about it and remember it but the pain is gone, you still cry but you’re not sad anymore. It’s funny how so much suffering can be remembered with nothing but compassion and sympathy for the tortured child you were, I guess that’s a sign that it’s behind you. Ever since I cam to accept my troubling past I have gathered the courage to talk to a few people about it, I expected to find many people sharing some similar experiences but what I didn’t expect was to see how much they suffer remembering those moments of their lives, it must be so painful for them. It’s not the same for me…
Exactly a decade ago I was in my dark ages I was struggling with repeated suicide attempts as clearly all of my friends already know. Now a lot has changed, for the best mainly. But around 11 years ago, I was dragged by my mom to church it was at this time of the year, it was the last week of fast and there is this Christian ritual where they celebrate the suffering of the Christ, there were a few songs that cut right through me and touched my heart like no other experience would ever again and I cried. Luckily my mom didn’t see me cry back then, but something changed in me that evening and I was never the same. Over the next 2 years I would go from celebrating suffering to meditation, prayer and perpetual fast… then drop down into excessive guilt, self-hatred and of course suicide.
That evening I heard three Hymns that touched me, I’ll try to translate the other two but this is one of them. By the way, try to ignore the video itself it’s full of blood and doesn’t always convey the suffering in its true meaning…
***In the voice of mary****
Habibi Habibi (I didn’t translate habibi because there is no English word that could capture its Arabic sweetness) look at how you have become
Who has troubled you, who gave you this cup of vinegar that you would accept to drink?
Habibi, what wrong have you done, what despicable act have you done?
You’re exhausted and you’re wounded beyond healing
***in the voice of Jesus***
I was in the garden at night and I was troubled to the gut
I prayed and I prayed until I sweat
I said: God, if you may, save me from the pain ahead of me
In my heart incomparable grief, not even to drowning in mud
Like a sheep they laid me down on earth and crucified me
All those around me abandoned me as if I was a stranger
So I turned back to god, the only one that capable of helping me, the only one watching over the world
And to injustice succeeded sorrow, despair and bitter tears
Tied up, beaten as if I was the lowest of decadents
Whipped like the nastiest of criminals
And all for your sake, for your wellbeing, for you to be happy sane and secure
Look at me! Have you ever seen such suffering under the sky?
It must sound so awkward for an atheist to be moved by such a Hymn but it’s actually the memories that leave me speechless, there are things that I can never express, which is good I guess