Monday, April 23, 2007

5 things about me

I was trying real hard to figure out what I can say about myself that none of my blog followers know, since I have such a big diversity of people that follow my blog, each group being in contact with a certain aspect of my life. Anyway I’ll try:

5 negative things about me

  1. Since the middle of autumn or something like that I have been struggling with an agonizing state of depression, though I do have ups and downs but I can’t look positively to my life anymore, I can’t imagine what might make me happy in the future, as a result my concentration ability is even more reduced and I can’t get myself to do anything. I have been trying to get myself above this and to hold myself together but I feel like I’m sinking and I’m tired of struggling against the current… And though so many people are around me and would help me anyway possible, none of them can do anything for me.
  2. I’m scared to lose my dad, not that he has any particular health problem but he’s sort of melting down, or maybe “losing his essence” the thought of my baby brother not growing up and experiencing my dad as an adult is almost intolerable
  3. I was born in a poor family, all of my family is poor, from both my mom and my dad’s side. They were all born in poverty and will probably die in poverty too, in spite of all the effort my dad has put to provide a decent life we still live in poverty, and I fear I would be doomed to end up in poverty for all my life too
  4. In my dark days I used to mash paper, I don’t know why but it made me calm down. I guess it was the physical effort that distracted me and appeased my agony
  5. Over time I have often been called beautiful and smart but also ugly… But never was I called stupid. However I still feel stupid no matter what. My failures affect me far more than my successes, that’s why I am doomed to constant low self-esteem, I can never enjoy a compliment as I perceive it as biased or aiming to make me feel better. But insults, I take them very seriously, I consider them to be very honest and true, even if I know that the one saying them is just trying to hurt me for some reason.

5 neutral things about me

  1. As a child I used to suck my lower lip, then they told me to stop, so I did. Instead I started biting my nails and fingers. When my teeth started to hurt I stopped biting my fingers and nails and now I bite my lips. The bad thing about it is that I can’t stand strong flavors, sour is no problem since I already hate it, but eating spicy food is kind of annoying especially that I love it so much. The positive thing about it is that no one tells me to stop since few people notice it and I like the taste of blood in my mouth when I get stressed (since I bite my lips more when I am under stress)
  2. I have this obsession with making sense out of senselessness. I have a favorite fork, and a fork for each type of food, one type for mashing bananas and potatoes, another for eating fried potatoes, another for mesmerizing the food that I am ingesting (I like to call the my “favorite” fork ever). I have a favorite mug for milk, another for coffee, another for tea and yet another for eating cheese pita with tea. I have different panties for different clothing… etc etc etc… All this classifying comes from strict standards and I feel weird breaking these rules when I have to. No one really knows about these classifications but I am very fund of them. If I would put all this “matching effort” into choosing the cloth I wear I would have looked very very stylish! But sometimes matching cloth seems stupid while matching other stuff seems crucial
  3. The only song that I have considered to be my favorite is: Fear of the Dark – Cradle of Filth.
    I don’t like to tell anyone about my love for this song because I don’t feel anyone would understand it. So far very few people tolerated that music. In fact the only one who liked it was the person who introduced me to it: my brother. Though I don’t listen to it 24/7 I have kept this song in my “favorite songs” since the day I heard it for the first time. If I tell people about it, they think I’m wither trying to sound cool, or that I have a terrible taste in music!
  4. I keep around me very weird old stuff, small empty pens, small scraps of paper. I am a collectionist by nature. Useless collections make me feel safe
  5. My big toe is TOOOOOO big for the other. As a child my cousin and I used to laugh about it so hard. I miss that cousin, we don’t get to hang out together as much as we used to when we were children.

5 positive things about me

  1. I am a devoted friend. In spite of all my insecurity I do know this for a fact. And this is why I refuse to be “socially smart” because then I would stop trusting my friends and to expect them to treat me well before treating them well. While I just give everything to my friends when I like them. And it’s not because of my own effort that I am this devoted, it’s because I was raised with very devoted parents… We never understood how could people be NOT devoted.
  2. I am tolerant. Though that doesn’t help me blend into any society, I don’t like classifying people and hating them. That means that I don’t belong anywhere, as each group must be built on the hatred of another group
  3. Both my parents had a very difficult past, with life threatening situations. But they survived and I am proud of them for being so perfect in a way. I have my problems with my parents, but for as long as they are ok I don’t think anything in the world can ever break me
  4. My philosophy teacher in high school, when she read a literary small article I had written in a newspaper (it was the only time I do so), she told me I have grains of genius… she made my day! No actually she made my year!!!! In college, all the professors that knew me well say that I am a wasted talent, one teacher even said that he has “never encountered a better student” than me in terms of researching and compiling information… The fact that I am a wasted talent is so good to me because I feel like I’m a talent that was lost… at least I am talent!
  5. My secret dream is to become a scientific journalist! But shhh… don’t tell anyone!

and since everyone else is tagged (and I am not sure if those who aren't tagged are still following my blog) I tag Jos :D Yalla you have to do this!


ezou said...

do u want a dumb comment?
U HAVE A BIG TOE????????!!!!

Chris in MB said...

"So far very few people tolerated that music."
LOL, well I admit I didn't know you were a Cradle of Filth fan, obviously you don't know a few things about me either. :P
BTW, after awhile you just get used to being call weird and begin to take pride in it. :P

"My secret dream is to become a scientific journalist! But shhh… don’t tell anyone!"
Ummm, I suspected that actually!
You would be good at it! :)

Jos said...

Pazuzu,'s not a tag, it's a HOMEWORK lol

Yalla, I'm going to start doing it. It won't be easy tho :P

ezou said...

it's hard labor :P

programmer craig said...

Hmmm.... is that a cover of this song?

Iron Maiden - Fear of the Dark

I never heard of Cradle of Filth but I went through an Iron Maiden phase in high school :)

Great song, I'm going to see if I can find the one by Cradle of Filth. Maybe I'm a fan, too!

Anyway about your list... you seem like a perfectionist type to me, based on several of your items. That's good in a way, but it can be very difficult for perfectionists to ever be satisfied with the results they get. On a professional level, it's a good trait... but on a personal level, not so much :(

programmer craig said...

Oh cool, now I'm on YouTube watching videos I haven't seen since the 1980s!

I liked Iron Maiden best with the original singer, but this is the song that made them famous in 1984 or so:

Iron Maiden - Number of the Beast

Gotta love Vincent Price misquoting the Bible!

This is what the Book of Revelation really says:

Here is wisdom. Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast: for it is the number of a man; and his number is Six hundred threescore and six.

Speaking of 666, the Prophet died in 632 AD (after the death of Christ) and Jesus was 33 when he was crucified. But he was born in the winter and died in the spring which means he was born 34 calendar years before he died. Do the math.

I'm just saying... :O

Chris in MB said...

craig, yeah Cradle of Filth also covered Iron Maiden's "Hallowed Be Thy Name"

btw, the best of Iron Maiden is actually "The Rime of the Ancient Mariner" album would be "Piece of Mind" overall.

"I'm just saying... :O"
LOL...but Craig, Pazuzu isn't Muslim, that however would be something interesting to use when antagonizing LW! hehe ;)

programmer craig said...

Thanks for the link, Chris :)

I knew Pazuzu isn't Muslim. I wouldn't have made that comment on her blog if she was, because I like her too much to insult her beliefs on her own blog, man :D

By the way that wasn't really meant as an insult anyway for any Muslims who are reading this. Just an observation. The numbers do work but the whole "666" thing is not associated with the anti-Christ in Islam, anyway, so it wouldn't be an effective way to insult a Muslim anyway.

shlemazl said...

It's weird how many bright girls seem to go through depressions. Often you can't tell unless you really now them.

Me thinks it could be to do with them not having a man. Women are not designed to keep emotions to themselves...

NOMAD said...

a talent in philosophy must be pursued, do let us know when you'll write your next article

ezou said...

the majority of woman don't get depressed cuz they don't think....... at all.....
smart girls (like Pazuzu) sometimes get depressed cuz they think (like us men)... :P

Liev said...

We are material beings and depression is a chemical condition. The only solution is chemistry. Well, that can bring us halfway there. We can't talk ourselves into being happy until the right chemicals are in place. Sucks but true.

Pazuzu said...

JESUS!! I have so many comments to answer:

ezou: Yes my toe is BIG toe... but I like it :D

Chris & Graig: Wow we can start a fan club here :)

Nomad: Shit, how did you know that philosophy was also a secret love of mine, so much to do so little time

Shlemazl & Ezou: You're forgetting the hormones my friends, you'll never know how nasty that can be until you live it ;)

Liev: Well It's always a pleasure noticing new people around, I did notice your comment last time :) glad you liked it around here

Jos said...

I'm finally done!