Monday, August 14, 2006

Hope to check in next time with a better mood

Peace? Hope so

So today most of the war is over, thanks to an international intervention as always. As always we have watched this cloud pass over our heads, we watched OUR war as if we were watching the news on TV, we wathced and hoped that this country would do something about it, or that the international pressure on Iran would make sure this doesn't happen or that doesn't happen.

Seriously people when was the last time that Lebanon chose anything or did anything? When was the last time that we took a choice?

...Maybe in the cedar revolution... Yes maybe then. Maybe then we stood and said what we wanted we were very clear we said:

- Syria OUT
- Sovereignty liberty independence
- One Army in Lebanon: the Lebanese Army
- Lahood OUT


We said it loud and we said it clear, we said it to all those who cared to hear, and we shouted loud enough for all those who pretend not to care for what we want to say. We said it with roses in our hands to all thos soldiers that chose that day not to attack us, we said it with paper, flags and young people.

That day we were happy. And until the 12th of July I had nothing to regret, I did not regret the division in the Lebanese people and I didn't care if the politicians weren't as awesome as they pretended to be. I always knew the Lebanese politics and I knew that one revolution is not going to take us straight to heaven why would it?

Until the 12th of July I believed that things were movig forward, I believed that Hezbollah will sooner or later have to hand over their weapons, it was inevitable. I was aware of the dangers, I was aware Heabollah was desperate, I knew that Heabollah would an will do anything and everything to hurt everyone before they leave. I was fully aware of all this.

We were all fully aware of all this. But We...like we the Lebanese... Like we who don't exactly hate Israel... Like we who don't really hate anyone ... Like we who want to live... We believed that if do not start war we will not have to endure any more wars. We believed that our parents were wrong, that the civil war was our fault, because we failed to preserve peace.
Now We as Lebanese, we were wrong, and war came and it killed. you can blame Us for this war, you can blame Israel. You can even blame Hezbollah, but the truth is: I don't believe it anymore.

It might be because of my awefully bad mood today, but I simply don't believe that anyone wanted peace. I don't care for the International way of saying that "the lebanese had all the support, but they chose not to disarm Hezbollah" and I don't really care for all those who say "Dignity comes first". Honestly, I don't care.

I am planning to get selfish very soon, I have chosen that I won't care for the situation, I am simply giving up to the situation. People just don't listen. No one listens.

When we feared Hezbollah no one did, Israel has interests, I am aware of their concerns, I am also aware of the Shiia's fears of their problems I have seen them live, and I am aware of what they go through. But who's listenning, I was born in a radical Christian environment, I was tought to be loyal to those who have died, to my uncle who died for the fucking cause of Christianity in the Middle east. I have seen the VATICAN give us saints and all. I was tought to hate almost each and everyone that check my blog, to hate Syrians, to hate Muslims, and that difference between Sunna and Shiia, but eventually they are all Muslims, you know, the less Lebanese, less civilized, less enlightened, to hate Druze, to distrust Jews, I learned to look in a certain way, talk in a certain way, think in a certain way, damn it, I even learned to hate Protestants because they heretics! I have heard people tell me so many things, teach me so many ways to conform and belong.

But I chose not to, I chose to try and find an opinion, I have heard everyone that cared to tell me about him/herself, I learned not to judge people, I might not be very good at it, but I am really trying. And for all this I lost a lot, I lost the safety of trusting I know everything, because I realized that I knew nothing, I lost the confort of holding the truth because I realised that there is no truth.

Why doesn't people do the same? why do we all have to take these stupid camps that only tell us who to kill and always invent excuses to break the laws that they have put.

Well, enough already, you can find your own truth, or kill people according to your prejudice, I am so damn sick and tired of trying to explain to people what I believe is right, and no body listenning, from now on I don't care about this war, I never chose it, and even if I will pay for it a million time, I don't care, I never had a country anyway, I never belonged to my own "clan" and I believe that the pope's a smug and that Bashir Gemayel was a psycho. And don't get me talking about all the rest!

WE said our word, no one can say we didn't. Those that choose to say it never the less are free, just know that I don't care to listen to it.

And I feel so helpless that I am using the last grain of power that I have against my own blogging, does it show how low I have sunk?

I am depressed beyond description, I wonder what will understanding the middle east and the human motives help me when I fail my exams and be forced to admit that I can't make anything work or get anything done. I wonder what a stupid excuse will I find when people really realise that all my intelligence is just an illusion?

4 comments:

Nomad said...

maintenant c'est le temps de la reconstruction, peut-être que tu peux faire de la politique, tu aurais un motif d'utiliser ton intelligence

jokerman said...

take it easy pazuzu.
Its a pity you were brought up in such a divided land, but to be taught to hate all these people is ridiculous! You cannot generalise everyone under one label. I myself dont hate anyone, except prejudiced bigots. Its depressing of course but you must direct what you learnt from this experience in a positive way.

Pazuzu said...

Nomad:
En fait, je n'est pas de place ici dans la politique, en tout cas, je ne suis pas un politicienne, mais je pensais a un cariere dans le journalisme mais vaux mieux me concentrer sur le licence bio

Jokerman:
Sorry, I was just angry, we all tame the hared inside us

shlemazl said...

Why do you think that Bachir Gemayel was a psycho? Is it because of his role in the civil war?

He was decisive and he cared. You can argue whether it was worth it, but he certainly wasn't a psycho.

It all could have been very different had he lived to finish what he started. He successfully fought off the Syrians in a 100 days war and he planned a peace deal with Israel. What's wrong with that?