But the main point (and I know that this point doesn't concern many of you) I am OK. And in fact I was feeling rather good, I've been going outside my home more frequently. I went to the beach again, I went to the CCF again, and... What have I forgotten? Oh yes! I went to College. Let's detail it:
I went to the beach with the Family with my brothers, my elder brother's Girlfriend (E) and my mom (my brother wasn't there of course). The beach thing was pretty awesome, it wasn't expensive at all, which is rare, since all the beaches have been taken over by Mafias. And it was an actual BEACH, I haven't been to real beach for years now, in the last couple of years I went to pools only. A couple of guys tried to hit on me and E. My brother wasn't around and a guy started trying to teach us how to swim. The guy wasn't so bad, he wasn't the Homo jerkus genus, he seemed to be having his mind set on E, maybe the fact that I was more aggressive than E kind of discouraged him or something. And then his friend/partner then tried to Win my heart! Aww, how sweet of him, but no thanks. This one's actually even worse than the first one.
That's about all what's worth mentioning in the beach visit, oh I also got my back burnt (Again).
But before the Beach day, I went to the CCF again. This time because my friend D had been telling me about a braderie des livres. A sort of Bazare of books. In brief it's a place where Lebanon's biggest and most prominent libraries gather up, occupy certain Kiosques in the CCF campus and sell there books on sales. Most of the books are a little old.
Anyway, the offers were awesome! Some were just average, but many were A W E S O M E. I was amased with some offers, I had to dig up and my Budget was very limited, actually my parents couldn't even pay a nickle, I called my elder brother and borrowed some money from him (20$). It wasn't much but the books were SO cheap.
I bought a Jules Verne compilation that contains 4 of his stories for 4000LL (almost 2$ 60 cents) and another for Emile Zola. I got my dad a small book for my dad. I also bought a couple of Bilingual Collins Dictionnary (Spanish/French - French/Spanish) for 30 cents each. I also got a story for a certain Cavanna, titled Et le singe devint con, an ironic look at evolution, and another Anticipation story for Arnaud (I didn't know it was for Arnaud till I was home), for 30 cents each also. At that point I felt it was enough! But then as I was heading to the door, I found a HUGE German/French - French/German Dictionnary for 3$ 30 cents, I just HAD to buy it, and I bought a cool children's book for my little brother (2$).
When I was going home I thought my mom would be disapointed that I paid so much in the braderie, on the contrary she was delighted, she couldn't help telling about it to everyone, and when I tell her about all the cool stuff that I DIDN'T buy she blames me for it! Now many of the people I know want to know better about the braderie.
On a side note, I got to meet D's mom for the first time, she's really really sweet!
But then all the changes in the last month make me seriously rethink stuff, I know, the use of the word "stuff" isn't very accurate but I am kind of rethinking all and nothing about my life, as always.
All the socialising and the moving around makes me ask myself: Am I happier today with all the social life? Well, of course not. I am just satisfied with what I am becoming and I really like that about myself. I like being able to reasonably enjoying whatever situation I am in. In fact when I became totally broke and lost alot of privileges (including my internet access) that really pissed me off, I only saw the bad aspects of that, I knew I'd be able to read and study more. Eventually I haven't studied at all, but I am reading like a maniac, not that I am complaining, and I am socialising better. I don't exactly feel better, I just feel more normal.
In addition I see myself reliving my old self again, I am certainly more irritated most of the time, I feel pretty frustrated most of the time and the future seems a little darker than it used to. But I can't complain all that much. I am a better conformist now, I never wanted to become a conformist again, but there are changes that I can't really avoid, I will break out of this cycle and I know that this need to conform to the social standards gains better on me when I feel helpless, when I am financially dependant and when I rely on my close environment for socialising. But it's good, really.
Some of the signs to my back to basics phenomena:
- I am counting my money again, that's something that happens when I am totally broke and I need to save every nickle, right now my budget consists on 2$ of stolen money, not very encouraging, I know.
- I am more interested in looking pretty
- I am talking to my mom more often, I always used to talk to my mom, but I used to avoid more gladly the he did she said kind of chat, now I am just giving in to her constant attempts to chat
- I am starting to manifest more shyness again, which is the clear result of an excessive self consciousness, when I had my financial independence I had a sort of self confidence I had the confidence that I was can control things around me, anyway that's a long complicated point that requires alot of talk
- I want a way out of Lebanon, lately talking about Lebanon (in this blog mostly) and having a certain contact with people outside Lebanon, and even people that are pretty exotic people inside Lebanon, in a way Lebanon seemed less hostile and more capable of pleasing me, now that I feel facing the ugliness of my home again and after losing contact with so many great people I want to leave again. I simply stopped dreaming of finding myself in here
one interesting development that I have noticed lately, and that I am finding myself unable to explain:
I want a Boyfriend! I always thought about it, mostly when thinking about sex, but I never had this odd feeling that I want a guy in my life. It's difficult to explain.