I have this sort of pact with the library guy in the market. He has my phone number and he calls me every time something interesting comes up, actually not anything he has a list of the magazines that I want. It’s a good symbiotic relationship. And I am pretty satisfied with it. But there is a problem, and it’s not about the librarian it’s in me (as usual). You see I have this sort of obnoxious attention-mania. I always felt invisible to others, and whenever I get the chance to please anyone I do everything I can and sometimes more. So when someone asks something from me nicely I just can’t refuse.
So every he calls me I go down to the library and buy it, meanwhile he suggests some other magazines that I don’t usually buy in case I’d be interested in the titles, sometimes I buy, sometimes not. During last year I had some money that I had saved during the summer, and so I was able to buy all the stuff I was interested in, now that I’m totally broke and borrowing money from my mom and my brother I can’t buy everything. So I have to decline many of the librarian’s suggestions. And I suffer stomach aches every time I do so, a weird feeling of unjustified guilt.
The worst is the guy’s repeated attempts to idealize the stuff that he’s suggesting, it’s not his fault he’s a salesman after all. But I hate it.
I suppose I just hate myself for being myself. I just want to be someone else.
I just feel sick