Friday, April 21, 2006

Personal II


N.B.: this is too personal don't read it if you don't like this stuff I am a whiner and this is a good example of my bad whining habit!
I haven’t updated much lately, not that I got sick of the blog yet, I’m still addicted, but in a certain sense I have nothing to say. You see for the last 10 days I didn’t have any college, and being the freak that I am that means I haven’t left the safety of my home (except on Easter, I went to my uncles’ place as we do every year). SO in a way I am depleted. And most importantly I have reached a point in this blog’s life where I have to make the fucking choice I am never capable of making.
You see… I am the kind of people that never really had any participation in life, I don’t do anything I don’t go out with my friends, I don’t participate in anything. I am secretly narcissist, I know I try to hide it and I often jokingly make fun of myself. But in secret I believe I am extra smart! That I have some talent in life. But I don’t. And in fact all my life I went through social life totally unnoticed. When I talk people often interrupt me, simply because of my lack of charisma they don’t realize it and they think it’s just a coincidence. But I know it very well. That makes me talk faster and make my sentences much shorter, and I often reconsider my sentence while talking, which leads me to cutting my sentence in its middle when I feel that it’s not really worth it. Needless to say that I look and sound like a freak because of that (among other things).
When I meet someone I don’t have a problem keeping him/her interested, I kind of wear there character, so yes I am a coward. I hate showing what I think, and when I get to know someone I tend to tell that person whatever I feel gets along with his her personality.
Back to the blog issue… When I started the blog here, I just wanted it as some place where I can keep all the things that the other people wouldn’t be interested to hear. I had another blog, but that one was the one where I posted the stuff that coincide with the face I give to people, all the self-centered stuff and the stuff that I think often about were supposed to stay here. You can check out my first few blogs, that’s what I wanted from this place.
I didn’t really expect people to read it, no one was supposed to. But then when some people actually read it, I sort of changed to what I thought was more entertaining, and I kind of liked it too. It is part of me to joke and criticize, I like that, but I didn’t dare to post all of the personal shit anymore. I guess I am just looking for what you people might like. I want people to like me. We all want that, but I suppose I take that too far, I am an attention junky (if there is such a thing).
So I got blocked! I didn’t know anymore how to write what all might enjoy, and that would remain formal enough not to attract criticism.
It really sucks when you have a weak character. I would have preferred being a bold moron!

4 comments:

Nomad said...

don't worry, just be natural !

give us a "temoignage" of your lebanese life, its' ok for me !

Pazuzu said...

Well nomad, for me, that's easier said than done, I don't really know what I am. I am somehow all the paradoxal things that I show, but I know that I should choose being someone.

Nomad said...

then, you have to have
some "discipline"

Pazuzu said...

oui je sais :(