Ah... that felt good

So I wanted to talk about how my life has been going on, mainly because I need to put it down and think about it.

So in April I kind of celebrated the first year of my presence in the working force. yes for the past 12 months I have received a nice salary by the end of each and every month. My salary isn't awesome or anything, but I love that sense of security it gives me, I wouldn't complain.

In the past 12 months also, I have left the Lebanese territory for the first time (well technically the first time was for jordan in may 2008 but let's not be OCD now), I have visited Jordan (can't say I loved it, but back then it was the war in Lebanon and some other obnoxious shit so I don't think I had the best circumstances ever).

I also visited Berlin, that was a beautiful (BEAUTIFUL) city, I would like to take this chance to congratulate all Germans for the beauty of their city. I glanced the holocaust victims memorial, I participated in the pride parade in Berlin **sighs**.

Then on october and november I went to Belgium (yes I went twice), I left my heart there when I came back to Lebanon. I am not sure if it was the cold weather or the nice people I was staying with, or all the bikes everywhere, or the Grimbergen beer, or maybe it was just because it's the land that gave birth to Jacques Brel... I don't know, but I still think of Belgium and of ilke's parents.

Then a couple of months ago I went to India, India was awesome, I didn't get to see much of the country but "musk melon juice" was divine. All the mouth burning spices weren't so much but it's ok. And the people I met there are awesome.

But then when I think about it, the most important thing that has happened to me this year was the fact that I moved out of my parents' place. Of course I didn't do so completely, I am still adjusting financially so I can afford a washing machine for example, but basically I have cut the cord I guess. And it's not as hard as I thought it would be, if I am careful with the money. I no longer have to leave wherever I am at exactly 9:20 or else I get harassed on the street like public meat. I can attend all these exhibitions, movies, friends' concerts, I work as late as I want to, I don't need anyone to give me a ride, I walk to work and back and to practically anywhere I usually go. I smoke as much as I want, I drink a lot, I cook my own food, I read as much as I feel like it... Wow, come to think of it, there are a lot of advantages to living in Beirut and away from your parents.

But of course this didn't solve any of my problems, I am significantly happier (especially that I finally went shopping and now I eat as I please and never sleep hungry). I am more or less at peace with myself and less stressed (though I do work for about 10h to 12h per day).

What has been bugging me lately is actually my personal life, I have come to a relatively comfortable balance, where I just don't do an effort to hang out with people, I either meet them by chance or i don't meet them. I stop thinking about dating and going out with partners, I do it occasionally and I don't think much about it. I have had a crush on this girl for a long time, every once in a while I remember her, I miss her, i go to her restaurant, have a meal then go home... It's working well I guess. But I can't shake off that idea that something is wrong, that my emotional detachment can't be a good sign. I keep on hearing my mom's words warning me about growing old alone and shit.

To be honest, I think she's wrong but what if she's not?

I make stupid statements and I get countless comments. Everyone has something to say when I say something as random as "socks". But when I asked a very simple question: "why do men harass women?" no one said anything. I don't know I'll keep on waiting, maybe they are thinking about it or maybe the right people just haven't heard it yet, but it's kind of annoying, non?

let's talk about the life of the pseudo-alcoholic that I am

So I went to work today, I couldn't really wake up on time, but it's ok. There were no electricity. And the boss was slightly unhappy about that (not that she nagged or made my life impossible or anything) it's just this feeling that if I don't help the intern fix things no one else will. And I am getting a bit too tired of it.
Anyway, I tried to help on some things and everything before leaving (I was informed a few minutes ago that we finally have electricity, but that's not the issue that prompted me to write right now). You see there is this friend, that I honestly consider a brother of mine, non really I do. When he knew that I went to a cafe to work and ended up getting drunk his reaction was to just say: "I dont want to have anything to do with this" and stopped talking. Not that I tried to keep on talking to him and he didn't rely, Pierre was a a good lesson to me a couple of years ago and he taught me to control myself much better.
It's just that my drinking problems and my depressive moments have been such a problem for me with my friends. And to be honest, I don't blame my problems that much. I mean I don't fail my friends because I am depressed and I haven't really done something so horribly bad just because I am drunk. I drink alone and I cry alone.
What is it with people simply giving me attitude because I deal with my problems in such a destructive way? I am sure I was there for you guys when you were down and you did stupid things, why can't you just do the same for me when I am down and stupid? Or am I just the disposable friend that fills in the gaps that your partners and other friends fill?


And no I don't expect them to answer these questions. I don't even know how to answer these questions myself. I don't know, it shouldn't matter, the time I spend with my friends should be a good time, where we laugh and enjoy our time... or something like that