So I’ve been thinking lately… I know, I know, who would have thought that I am capable of thinking; but we all have our moments.
Anyway, I was thinking about God lately. In the past couple of years, I have grown too far away the catholic ideology. The divergence has long crossed the limit of divorce. I find it even impossible to understand how cans anyone that’s looking for any truth to restrict his mind to the church’s perspective. I am neither scared nor ashamed to say that, as a proof, I have admitted to my close family that I have little or no faith in the church; I have even said that I despise them. I think my mom was heart broken but she understands… Well maybe not “understand”, maybe her words would express it better:
“Rebecca, I tried really hard to understand you for years, I never did, I probably won’t understand you, but I do accept you however you are and I want you to know that”.
However, I am not saying that as if I despise those who still believe in the church and trust it. I can totally understand the beauty of surrendering to the church and I don’t hate the clergy or anything. I will always be grateful to Aboona Peter who was there who helped me turn that difficult page of my life for good. I will never forget Aboona Bernard who almost adopted me when I admit to him my little secret. No I don’t hate it. I just know one thing, the church is not the solution, in fact it is dangerous, and all those good people who try hard to fit into the church and remain human, they are just wasting their time, but it’s no big deal it doesn’t matter, it’s not a race for heaven and there is nothing to risk but some personal disappointment.
As far as I’m concerned I stopped praying and saying “I’m sorry” a long time ago, I did it as a break back then. Now I am totally convinced that choice was the right one, it is a waste of time to pray. I don’t regret it.
The difficult question is: Do I still believe in God?
I know most people simply know what they believe. Some are Theist other Atheist, for some the question of God is absurd, why should there be any God, it’s simply not part of there philosophy, I am talking most of all about Buddhism (I say that talking out of my very restricted knowledge in Buddhism).
As for me, I profoundly believe in God that remained unchanged all my life, I never blamed God for anything in my life, I never hated God, I simply never thought about it. Until the last couple of years I simply believed in God. I genuinely understand the how can an Atheist be an Atheist, just as I genuinely understand how can a Religious person be so Religious. In fact I have no problem admitting my profound love and admiration for both Religious and Atheist people. But I also know it’s not me.
It’s funny, but I constantly keep going back to what Nietzsche said:
there is no truth, just interpretations
But eventually it’s either God exists or doesn’t.
So… Does God exist?
Did God create us to his image?
Did we create God to our image (either the perfect image or the most powerful picture)?
Where is God?
Hell? Heaven? Both? None?
Life’s a mess… But eventually I came to some simple convictions, that are not really useful to anyone but that simply fit perfectly in my soul:
- One can live a perfectly healthy and good life without even thinking about the existence of God.
- God is not interested or not strong enough. Either cases he will not live our lives for us. So all of us lazy asses better start moving our ugly asses to get a life.
- God in fact walks next to us in life. Sort of like a good friend and not really a Master
- No religion, holy book or holy person has ever captured the essence of God. Simply because God never revealed himself to us.
- Nothing we can do, say or feel will neither hurt or glorify God, why would God create such weak and vulnerable creatures just to “glorify” him, what a desperate, miserable God would make a weak creature in hope of saving it from its weakness so that he would be glorified… Nah, I’m not convinced.
- We biologically and psychologically need to believe in God or any other form of spirituality
- God gave us the ability to understand many things in our lives and surrounding. Anything beyond our ability to know is simply not important enough and certainly or worth making wars and killing others to convince them.
- God’s will is clearly incrusted in our souls, wouldn’t that make sense? If God wanted us to walk our way through life and find our way with almost no concrete directions, wouldn’t he certainly put a grain inside us guiding us to a safe way home?
- God’s not a male (DUH!!!)
- I know nothing about God
- The existence of heaven or hell is so irrelevant to our path in life. Someone that doesn’t hurt someone because s/he fears hell will simply never feel the pleasure of living the beautiful experience called “loving”. A person that helps someone in order to go to heaven will never experience the pleasure of helping someone. Hell or heaven is like jail, meant to tame people and not help them.
- Holy books are full of lies that try to legitimise the political role of religious institutions, search for the philosophy of each religion, there lays the whole beauty
- Religions are a smart way to work politics
- Monotheistic religions (including my own religion: Christianity) are strongly implicated in the Semitic mentality and it was a crime to impose it on others, where did they ever find in the “love philosophy” of Jesus, for example, the justifications of all that blood shed for the past 2000 years?!
- Religions are a source of Hypocrisy and egocentrism and false feeling of superiority… In fact religions dangerous, religious fanatics will last as long as religions will exist and some people would try to identify themselves by pointing out the examples of what they are not
All the ideas that I have just expressed are neither a truth nor a fact, this is just what I believe at this moment. My short experience in Life has taught me that I will grow with every passing day and changing so fast and so often is probably the thing I love the most about myself and the only advice I can ever give to anyone… Keep looking God will never be angry at anyone for trying to find the truth, even if this anyone stops believing in God. Would have God gave us a brain if he wanted others to think for us?
Any criticism is welcome and I would love to know if anyone has different thoughts about this.