Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Stage4

It’s kind of odd how people with seemingly nothing in common may share such intimate details. It’s even weirder how you see the same pattern of ignorance and shame repeated around the world, I always thought it was my religious environment that caused this but as I grow older I come in contact, one way or the other, with people that had the same experience, take this postcard (from the postsecret blog):




I lived almost the same experience as an adolescent. I thought the changes on my body and its mutilation was God’s punishment for masturbation. But I was also raised to believe that God never I punishes… I was fucked up!
And what was more fucked up is that I kept believing I was bringing the mutilation to myself and trying to fix it for a very long time, until I was 19. I am not sure why I lived this phase for so long. Even after the suicidal phase of my life ended at 14 the shame was always there, I always believed I’d never get married since my husband would be repulsed and disgusted by my looks. And I still feel terribly ugly! I am bitterly relieved to see people talk about the things that bothered me also. I often think of how many people still live in that hell, it’s unimaginable. How can a healthy child turn into such a crippled teenager? Simply by using the weapon of ignorance and adding the typical religious guilt. I grew up thinking I was the only human being with such extremely ugly genitalia! I thought everyone else had ones that looked like babies… Just as I lived my whole life thinking I was the only one who tried to herself in the world. This is why, whenever I am talking to someone, I do say that I tried to kill myself, hopefully I would contributing to breaking down that wall of silence that suffocates us all.
Some people feel that my bitterness towards religions and the Church is irrational and doesn’t really make sense, inno I exaggerate. But I don’t! I suffered the same oppression, hurt and psychological mutilation as almost everyone around me. I was more vulnerable because I took it more seriously and religions, if they are true, should be taken seriously, so I suffered irrational suffering because I did the right thing, I believed them!
Now I don’t believe them anymore and there are no half solutions, it’s either these religions are true or they are not! And they are NOT… So yes, when my brother comes to me telling me about what he learn in class today about GOD, I freak out! If my brother goes through what I went through because of those religious bastards I don’t know what I could do, all I can do is to hope he doesn’t. I just hope he survives it long enough to write about it as I write about it now, I’m sure he’d be a very happy adult if he does.

7 comments:

Bsharp said...

I think your little brother is a bit more protected than you were. Male religious guilt over sex is not as intense as for females. Plus his brain is not blazing as intensely as your was (and is). Finally, he has an older sister to help guide him toward a sensible view of life, something you didn't have.

NOMAD said...

I had such a hard education in religion, then I turn out ; yes it took a few decades to get rid of the inhibition ; now I am quite happy of being a free mind ;I got myself to look for the responses, that I found with history, philosophy and logic

Moriyah said...

Hi - I have been reading your blog for awhile. I'm Israeli and I kind of went through the same thing, although with Judaism. So many rules and they always found fault with anything you did, and societal pressure to get married young and have many children is very intense in the religious community...I'm no longer religious...but I still think I believe in G-d, although I'm not convinced He is all powerful etc...anymore...meh, it's terrible how religious authorities inflict guilt upon people and have no one to answer to when they do, isn't it?

Regards from Israel, M.

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