عن خطورة "تسييح" القضية

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عن خطورة "تسييح" القضية

بعد أسبوع من هلّق بيوصلوا جماعة إيغلتا للبنان. وقبل ما نحكي عن أسباب امتعاضنا من الحدث خلّينا نقول، ومن كل كل كل قلبنا، ١٠٠ أهلا وسهلا بكل واحد من إيغلتا. طول عمرنا منستقبل ناس من مجموعاتنا ولّا مش من مجموعاتنا لمّا يجوا عالبلد، ومنرحّب فيُن كضيوف وأهل البيت بالتبنّي. والله والله ما عنّا مشكلة معن ولا مع رغبتن إنن يعملوا سياحة وينبسطوا ويحبّوا وينحبّوا ويعيشوا ويصرفوا المصاري اللّي مطلعينن من عرق جبينن.

On the Crisis of Scientifically Studying Homosexuality

Crossposted, Original Link

Unless addressing HIV, AIDS, or sexual health, queer communities, at least in Lebanon, often disregard scientific interferences in our issues. Even though it is understandable, this hatred is still misleading, disturbing, and damaging to our movement. At the heart of my article is my scientific side trying to analyze and explain how scientists fucked up when they pointed their microscopes towards our identities.
If you bring up most scientific research talking about the genetic, psychological, or hormonal origin of our identities, you are most likely to get rolling eyes for a response. In some cases, you could harshly be reprimanded for being self-hating or naïve.
This scientophobia, if I may call it that, is a direct result of our bitter history with unethical or biased scientists trying to prevent us from accepting, or to heal us from, our identities.
In this article, we will not go over theories and studies that discuss biological and psychological origins of homosexuality. For those, you may find a well-referenced discussion about the subject on Wikipedia.
Scientific flaws permeate most of these research papers: The first being that they often study small groups of “homogenous” homosexuals. The studied homosexual is usually the stereotyped homosexual, white, cute, HIV+ and effeminate man.
There are rarely any mentions of other sub-communities, of lesbians, bisexuals, non-effeminate gay men, or transgender individuals. Perhaps, including everyone in one study would be too much of a hassle – I understand.
But here’s the catch: When you limit the scope of your study, you limit the scope of your conclusion. When you study a very specific population of homosexuals, you clarify the profile of that population.
After all, when science brags about finding an origin for homosexuality, and after looking at one sub-group in the queer community, random fucks, and their random assumptions about me, are legitimized, when in fact, science has barely ever studied people like me!
Of course, there are also issues of methodology that surface with some of the research. LeVay’s research* for example had a small sample of 7 homosexual men who died of AIDS. A sample of 7 is not enough to draw any conclusions whatsoever; the margin of error would remain too large. The differences observed could have resulted from sample artifacts, random population drifts, pure luck, etc.
Needless to say, these findings always fail the fundamental scientific test of replication. The laywoman may not know this, but for any scientific quantitative research to be acknowledged and for the scientist behind it to be accredited, it needs to be verified by another research team, while studying a different sample of the same population. If the conclusions fail to conform, then the theory is dropped.
The analysis of the results is also problematic. Scientists are allowed and encouraged to draw conclusions, as long as they, on one hand, keep their assumptions within the limits of reason, and on the other hand, they ought to clearly state they are speculating.
In addition, scientific research was always plagued with the overlap between causality and correlation, and that often led to numerous cruelties concealed behind the veil of science. As a biologist, there is nothing that shames me more. When we speak of causality, it means that A causes B, sticking a knife in someone’s skin causes a wound. Correlation on the other hand, means A is highly common when B is highly common in a specific population, for example, IQ results are often low in African American populations in the United States of America. Correlation may indicate causality, but scientists must be extremely careful when making a conclusion for a scientific research. Because s/he will steer the public opinion based on her/his research.
The African American IQ studies for example were disastrous and shameful for the scientists who performed them. Because of their racism and blunt bias, they frauded (they plea innocence on the basis of ignorance, but I personally refuse to let them off that easily) the results. Instead of drawing attention to some fundamental social problems affecting a minority’s ability to integrate the school system, such as language barriers, they chose to stigmatize the African American population and formulating correlation in the guise of causality.
Similarly, when scientists speak of homosexuality, they often speak of correlations with subtle phenomena such as unhealthy family dynamics, or a succession of older female siblings, and so on. They often fail to bring the social into the scene: After all, when parents notice that their son may be homosexual in a homophobic society, they often turn aggressive, if not violent.
You can also notice how some scientists, mainly genetic engineers, conduct certain “gay mice and homosexual flies” types of research and manipulation. It sounds interesting, that’s for sure, but when you think about it, what on earth do we have in common with mice? And flies? To top it off, the definition of a “homosexual fly” is one that just sticks its genital organ into another male. The same goes for mice. Such populations do not “choose partners” and have no preferential attitude towards anyone in the population. Give them a 100 mates and they will fuck 100 mates. I believe that the queer populations, throughout the different sub-communities, agree that what we define as sexuality is far more complicated.
Some argue that we look at animals in order to counter the normalcy argument. A comparison with insects and rodents is irrelevant for this purpose, because our social structures are fundamentally different from theirs: Drinking human blood is not rendered normal because mosquitoes ingest blood, is it?
If we need to better understand the evolutionary advantage our sexuality and identities present to society, then we can study animals that are socially closer to us, maybe primates. For such populations, non-heterosexual romance and sexual practice have been observed for as long as these animals have been observed.
For this, we also need to clarify, or maybe remember, that the concept of “normal” is void by definition, humans are normal, our non-conforming identities and orientations are by definition normal because a human being feels them, if these feelings were not “normal”, we wouldn’t be able to feel them. Psychological problems and illnesses are normal, they usually occur as a coping mechanism against stressful environments. Why do we treat them as illnesses? Because they pose a handicap to the individual’s life, hinder their ability to resolve the source(s) of stress, or causes danger to those around them. The same is not true for being queer. Rape, murder, violence, infanticide, pedophilia, necrophilia, and other unacceptable behavior have been observed and documented throughout history and across the ecosystems. This does not mean that we want to legalize them or defend pedophile rights, does it?
If we were to point out the patriarch of all scientific mistakes regarding homosexuality, it would be the desocialization of a deeply social matter. If you want to study homosexuality you need to know that you are stepping into an intricate field, where identity collides with a deeply heteronormative and homophobic society. You also need to understand that, whether or not you have a problem with homosexuals, and most modern societies have a problem with them, and that problem has a name, homophobia.
Unlike members of ethnic minorities, we are often born into heteronormative families, our persecution starts in our cradles. Such a struggle stains our whole life, it influences how and if we come out, it influences how we identify and how we interact with scientists, and other professionals. So the question cannot be what makes a man physically incapable of tolerating a pussy. The question is more complicated, I personally don’t know how to define it, and until you absolutely know what you are looking for, don’t venture into a world that you can’t even understand.
Just a friendly reminder, please stop mixing up gender identity, sexual orientation, and socially prescribed gender roles. A girl who likes to play football can be a person with an alternative gender identity or simply a child that likes to play football. She is not a homosexual, and the word “pre-homosexual” is one of the most disturbing and unscientific words I have ever come across.
And for all the queer folks out there, don’t fear science, dive headfirst and grab the beast with its horns. A PhD in neuroscience gives a white middle class man no advantage against you. Biology is a simple natural science, argue!

* LeVay, S., A difference in hypothalamic structure between homosexual and heterosexual men. Science 253:1034-1037 (1991)

Crossposting - وقفت غلامة وقالت

Brief: On how discussing Gay Rights should not include the discussion of personal life, sexual practices or psychological history of LGBT individuals. This post was inspired by an incident which took place during a cultural exchange program in which I participated. From: وقفت غلامة وقالت

غلامة راحت مشوار برات البلد بسياق برنامج تبادل ثقافي، بالرغم من تحفظاتها على مبادرات التبادل الثقافي والمؤتمرات الشبابية، حملت غلامة غلمنتها وراحت تشوف بلاد الله الواسعة.

وبالرغم من غايدار غلامة الرديء، لاحظت من اليوم الأوّل إنها مش الإنسانة الوحيدة ذات الميول و/أو الهوية غير التقليدية. طبيعي، نحنا جزء لا يتجزأ من المجتمع الصحي. بس الفرق ما بين غلامة وسائر ذوي/ات الهوية والميول غير التقليدية بهالمؤتمر، كان إنها الوحيدة اللي فعلياً دخلت عالم المناصرة من باب الحرية الجندرية والجنسية.

بس مش هيدا هوي الموضوع، الموضوع  هوي إنّو بنهار كان في محاضرة عن حقوق الإنسان وشموليتها، وكان  النشاط إنّو نتقسّم لمجموعات وكل مجموعة بتحصل على مقال بيناقش جانب من جوانب حقوق الإنسان. المجموعة تبعنا حصلت على مقال بيناقش ديباجة الحجاب بأوروبا. بس كان في مجموعتان طلعلهن مقال عن القس السويدي اللي قال إنّو المثليين سرطان عم  يتفشّى بالمجتمع (بوقتها هيدا القسّ انجرّ عالمحكمة بتهمة الدعوة للعنف). بالتالي، النقاش بالمبدأ كان مفروض يكون عن ما إذا كان التصريح دعوة للعنف ولّا ممارسة مشروعة لحريّة التعبير.

لمّا إجا وقت العرض، يعني لمّا كل مجموعة بتعرض للبقية نتائج الحوار الداخلي، تفاجأت لمّا سمعت إنّو حصيلة الحوار بالفريق الأوّل كان  إنّو بتفرق إذا كانت “الحالة” “مسيّرة” أو “مخيّرة”، بمعنى إنّو في فرق إذا الإنسان اختار يكون مثلي يمّا إذا كانت هيدي طبيعته اللي ما ممكن يغيّرا!

أمّا الفريق التاني، وهون العزّ والرزّ،  فكانت حصيلة مناقشاته إنّو هنّي ما عندن مشكل مع “هودي العالم”، بالنهاية، “أنا عندي كتير رفقة غايز ولزبيانز. بس ما بدّي إبني يشوف شبّين عم بيبوسوا بعض بالشارع”. بطبيعة الحال حسّيت بالإهانة، مش أوّل مرّا بواجه هيك موقف بس كل مرّا بحسّا متل أوّل مرّا.

ما تنسوا إنّو غلامة مش مثلية، غلامة شاذة، غلامة فيها تكون مع شب، بشرط هيدا الشب ما يعاملها على إنّها بنت، وبالتالي غلامة “مخيّرة” ومش “مسيّرة”. من ناحية تانية غلامة ما دخلت غمار النشاط والمناصرة كرمال تحصل على الحق بممارسة الجنس مع بنت تانية بالسّر، بعيد عن نظرات الناس اللي ما بتحب تشوف شبّين عم بيبوسوا بعض.

والفكرة مش بس إنّو أنا شخصياً عندي مشكلة بالحديث اللّي صار ولكن أيضاً، إذا بتطلّعوا على تاريخ الحركة المثلية حول العالم بتلاقوا إنّو بمعظم الأحيان المثليين بينحبسوا بالأدوار اللي بيعتبروها الأكتر قبولاً بالمجتمع. منلاقي مثلاً إنّو الحركة المثلية البيضا صارعت لعقود ت تبرهن إنّو الإنسان بيخلق مثلي. وبعدهن لهلّق مرضى رهاب المثلية مش مصدقين ومصرّين إنّو الواحد بيصير مثلي لأنّو حدا اعتدى عليه ع زغر، أو من ورا المخدرات، أو التلفزيون، أو بسبب الخجل المفترض، وأكيد دايماً في شي من البعد عن الله اللي بيخلّينا “نعمل بحالنا هيك”.

أكيد ما فينا ننكر إنّو المثليين البيض قطعوا شوط كبير بصراعهن. بس المشكلة إنن أسّسوا لشبه تقبّل للمثلية كـ”حالة” (ت ما نقول مرض) ما ممكن تتغيّر، وما بتعدي (إجمالاً). ومع إنّو في نسبة كبيرة من المثليين بينطبق عليهن هيدا الوصف للمثلية، في كتير ناس غير. في كتير ناس مزدوجي الجنس، وفي ناس ترانس، وفي ناس ما عرفوا عن عدم مطابقة ميولهن وهويّتن للقوالب الإجتماعية إلا ع كبر.

من ناحية تانية، صحيح إنّو انخفضت بشكل كبير نسبة الناس اللي ممكن تقتل مثلي، أو تطردوا من وظيفته، الخ. بس بعدو الجزء الأكبر من المجتمع (إن كان مغاير ولّا مثلي ولّا ترانس)، بيعتبر عدم مطابقة القوالب الإجتماعية كوضع غير مستحب. ما منحب ولادنا تكون لا مثلية ولا متحوّلة، إذا شي ما بقا نضربن ت يطابقوا القوالب الإجتماعية، بس برضو، إذا فينا نتجنّب هل الكأس المرّة منتمنّى. بدليل إنّو بالولايات المتحدة، بكاليفورنيا بشكل خاص، لمّا صار في استفتاء على موضوع حق المثليين بالزواج والتبنّي، كان الجواب “لأ”.

أنا ما بدّعي إنّو أنا اللّي بعرف شو غلطة المثليين البيض، ولا بدّعي إنّو عندي الحل. كل اللّي بعرفوا إنّو لازم نجرّب استراتيجية غير “تشفّي رضى المغايرين”. برأيي، لمّا نحكي عن حقوق المثليين لازم نرفض نناقش نظرية “الطبيعة”، أو “الدّين”، أو حتى “اللياقة الإجتماعية”، بدنا نكون حازمين إنّو حقوقنا ما بتتغيّر بغض النظر عن الهوية، الميول والثقافة. ولمّا أيّ شخص بدو يناقشني عن المثلية برفض إنّو يتم ذكر كيف وليش بحس اللي بحسه، أو بنجذب للّي بنجذبله/ا.

أنا إنسانة بلبنان، حروب لبنان بتعلق فوق راسي وضرايب لبنان بدفعها متلي متل غيري، ما حدا بيناقش أهلية اللبنانيي المغايرين على تربية ولادن، ما حدا بيناقش صحّة ممارساتهن الجنسية. ليش أنا بدّن يشرّحوا حياتي ومشاعري وتاريخي ودرجة طبيعيتي وعلاقتي بالله، كل ما بدّن يناقشوا حقوقي الإنسانية؟

هيدا اللّي كنت حابّة قولوا بهيدي المحاضرة، بس الوقت ما سمحلنا، لأنّو ما كان معنا وقت نناقش استنتاجات الفرق الأخرى. وبالفعل، اللي كنت خايفة منه صار، حس بعض العالم (المغايرين عفكرة) بالإهانة لمّا سمعوا تصريحات الفريق التاني، ونظراً لضيق الوقت وقلّة براعتهن النقاشية، صاروا يعيّطوا بوجّ ممثّلة الفريق التاني (يلّي كانت بكل بساطة عم تنقل الأفكار اللي طرحت أثناء النقاش)، واتهموها بالعنصرية والهوموفوبيا. وبطبيعة الحال، كانت ردة فعلها دفاعية وقالتلهن “إي أنا عنصرية، شو إلكن معي؟”

طيّب شو العمل يا غلامة؟ غلامة قرّرت تحط النقط عالحروف. حضّرت خطابها باللّيل وكتبت على ورقة زغيرة الإشيا اللي بتعتبرن حقوقها الإنسانية الطبيعية وهي كالتالي:

الحق بالوجود
الحق بالحياة
الحق بالإحترام
الحق بالخصوصية
الحق بالإيمان
الحق بالزواج
الحق بتربية الأطفال

وتاني يوم الصبح طلبت الحق بالكلام أمام المجموعة كلّا سوا. قلتلّن إنّو بعتبر الحديث اللّي صار مبارح كان مرفوض، وحتّى إنّو كان دعوة للعنف، لأنّو تكفير الإنسان (إعتبار إنّو هويته أو ميوله أو ممارساته منافية لقوانين الله) هوي نوع من أنواع حل الدّم وإباحة القتل. وشرحتلّن إنّو لمّا بيحكوا عن “هيدولي الناس” بيكونوا عم يحكوا عنّي أنا، أنا من “هيدولي الناس”. ووضّحتلّهن إنّو لمّا بدّن يناقشوا حقوقي الإنسانية مش مقبولة إنّن يناقشوا جنسانيتي أو درجة طبيعيتي أو علاقتي بالله. وبالنهاية دعيت أي شخص بيحب يناقش أي حق من حقوقي الطبيعية إنّو يجي يحكيني بالموضوع من عشية.

متل العادة غلامة كانت مفتكرة إنّو كل الناس كانت عارفة إنّها شاذة، بس لأ، كان في ناس ما لاحظوا.

هلّق أكيد أنا توقّعت بعض العالم ما تعجبن الفكرة، وبالفعل الشخص الوحيد يلّي عن جد ما حب الفكرة كان شب كان إلو يومين عم يعبطني بالقوة ويوشوشني إنّو هوي كتير بيحبني ويسألني شو رأيي بفكرة “الحب والغرام” بيناتنا. هيدا الشخص صار شوي عدائي معي وبعدين كفّى عم يطحش عليي متل العادة.

بس من ناحية تانية كان في كتير مفاجآت إيجابية، هيدي المواجهة مثلاً فتحت المجال لعدد من العالم يجوا يحكوني ويسألوني أسئلة حشرية. في شب محافظ مثلاً قلّي بكل بساطة إنّو أنا أوّل شخص أل جي بي تي بيتعرّف عليه، وإنّو كتير بيهنّيني على شجاعتي وكتير بيحبني. وبناءً على هالحديث حكاني أحد المثليين بالمؤتمر عن حاله، وعن صعوبة حياته ببلده، وكيف ما عنده أصدقاء مثليين.

أكيد أنا حسّيت حالي غلط، عادة أنا بتجنّب إحكي عن مثليتي بالمؤتمرات ت ما صير ممثّلة المثلية العربية، بالنهاية أنا ما بمثّل إلّا نفسي، وأصلاً أوقات بتمنّى لو الناس بتشوفني كإنسانة، فقط لا غير. بس ما بندم إنّي وقفت وقلت اللّي قلته، في ناس قالولي إنّو كتير كنت عدائية، ويمكن معهن حق، بس بصراحة لو لقيت حالي بنفس الموقف مرّة تانية، ما بغيّر ولا كلمة قلتها، أنا عندي حق ومش رح إترجّا العالم تحبني!

Commencing Operation Cross-posting - عن الصدور النسوية و”السوتيان” الذكورية

I am sure you've all been wondering what I've been up to lately, right? no? Ok fine. To make it short, I just wanted to drop by and say that starting from today, I will make an active effort to cross-post everything I publish elsewhere, first and foremost because I don't want to leave this blog so lonely at so many occasions, but also to archive my work.

And to start, please welcome my first contribution to Bekhsoos.com: عن الصدور النسوية و”السوتيان” الذكورية

International Gay and Lesbian Rights Commission Expresses Outrage at Human Rights Abuses After Military Coup

As someone involved in LGBTQ activism in a homophobic environment such as the Middle East, the issue of "International intervention" is always... well, an issue.

It is not that we don't cooperate with International organizations, or that we don't want to cooperate with others. Now some activists on controversial topics are often afraid to shake hands with internationals. It's always safer not to, just pretend that you don't know them.

And really it is the safest thing to do. After all, International LGBT organizations will not take a bullet for you. They will just wait for you to die and then lament your death or wave their american fingers in the face of your government. And then your beloved government will go giggle with your murderers (if it didn't kill you in the first place). And no, I am not exaggerating.

I always was the devil's advocate and thus, in my Lebanese LGBT community I was the one that would defend the "international aid efforts" after all we do need to cooperate with them so why not give them credit for it?

Until one day, I was cornered. I was indirectly involved with a case of un-official assylum. Lebanon does not provide political assylum to anyone (it usually usually exports war criminals to enjoy a nice asylum life in Europe). But an Arab LGBT activist was threatened with death among other things. So we, as individuals helped her leave her home to come to Lebanon and then to go somewhere else.

Of course she asked for help from "International organizations", be it organizations that specialize in LGBT rights, emergency cases, or both. They didn't move a finger. Not only did they not attempt to garantee an asylum case to some place where thugs didn't run after her to kill her. They also "ignored" our calls for financial aid to help her leave the country and get settled anywhere else.

Nothing I tell you!

That is what I know of "international help". It's more like "please die so we feast on your corpse" kind of thing. This woman's story will be forgotten, she doesn't want to be remembered though she was a pioneer in her own country and region. She will be forgotten, because she did not give "internationals" the media attention that they wanted. She preffered to save her own life instead.

A similar thing happened with the case of gays in Iraq. Reporters have been covering "heart breaking" stories about the poor effeminate iraqis that are just waiting to get kiled by virtually anyone on the streets of Iraq. And then what? Yes, of course the Human Rights Watch sent a commission their and published a report. Thank you very much, we will glue that to their corpses, right next the famous hate messages that the murderers carved on their skin.

Which brings me to the latest invention, of IGLHR's outrage that was expressed over the transphobic attacks on LGBT individuals in Honduras. Oh wow, thanks, I bet that was so painful to write, and oh so dangerous! I salute your courage, looking for people struggling for their existence in order to write reports about them that not many people read and don't inspire the few who read them to move a finger.

Wait there's more. IGLHRC even allowed themselves to preach about democracy. Of course they know who has been elected fairly and who wasn't. Ah, the label of democracy, it can justify anything. Of course, IGLHRC knows what's best, they live in a democratic world after all. We the LGBTs of third world countries wouldn't know shit about it. Even if we invented "democracy" as it is applied today a few thousand years ago, but still we are not as democratic as people writing their outrage in NYC.

Thank you very much, when we published Bareed Mistajil, you were on our minds, when we ran from one hospital to another to get treatment for those who tried to kill themselves, you were on our minds, when we organize parties to pay for someone's ticket, we'll be thinking of you, when our mothers cry their eyeballs out when we make our glorious coming outs, we'll be thinking of you. Really you make our miserable lives worth living :)

Shaza's latest update

Ok so the last event that happened to al Anisa Shaza is that she changed her name from Shaza to Bintak Ikhtak.... I just love this girl

Ne lui parlez plus d’elle

Sophia©2008 john sloan

At every turning point of your life, you will suffer… No one and nothing can protect you. A long time ago Pazuzu decided that God was unable to save her out of her misery. She was right. But yet she lived to see another day. At every turning point she had to suffer. There were nothing to hide her away from it, it’s because Anguish comes from the inside, if you hide Anguish will occupy a greater portion of your own time and Anguish will scream into your ears. If you escape to the hands of Lover, Anguish will feel jealous and will haunt both you and Her, She will scream in your face telling you how you hurt Her and how you had no right to… even if you never hurt Her. If you run for your family their sincerely honest, yet hardly understanding, faces will be mirrors and in the mirror you will see Anguish. If you call for a friend, she will hug you, but then the second day you’ll wake up and the taste of blood would still be in your mouth, you run back to your friend and suddenly Anguish will grab your throat whispering in your ear that you are nothing but an annoying loser.

Anguish has a lover and that lover’s name is Tears. Anguish and Tears are soul mates; their love is a constant battle field where they satisfy their thirst with each other’s blood. Tears will make love to your soul, cuddle you and keep you warm. But then when the warmth is so delicious Tears will look around for Tears’ lover, then Tears will run after Anguish and they will renew their love over your body.
Bruised and hurt you will search for Happiness but Happiness is a player, Happiness will always be close enough for you to hope but never too close for you might capture Happiness. You see Happiness is like a nymph, Happiness likes to laugh and dance and you can never dance as fast as Happiness or laugh as hard. Happiness knows that and will never let you tie her up.

And whatever you do, do not run after Hope! Hope is the most vicious of all. Hope’s lover is deception. Hope would do anything to please Deception. So whatever you do, don’t get anywhere near Hope!

In the end when all has failed Pazuzu, when she sat silently on the cold marble of her pedestal, she looked down at the world and a warm air caressed her scales and for a moment she knew what it was like to be human, how the soft skin of humans felt when the air gently warmed it. And it felt good.

She waved her hand for Lover, Lover was snuggled in the arms of Enemy. But Pazuzu screamed to her anyway, she yelled:

C’est vraiment bizarre comment tout d’un coup je ne t’aime plus, mais si en ce moment tu me regarde d'un œil tendre, le BonDieu dans toute sa gloire ne saurait que serait ma réponse.

Lover didn’t hear a word Pazuzu said, so Pazuzu went on :

Tu sais, la liberté … c’est une illusion… tu vois, les chaînes qui m’étranglent le sont aussi. Même la douceur de tes mains me dérange désormais, même l’odeur de ta peau ne me séduit plus… Enfin, je t’aime tu vois… Mais je t’oublierais tu le sais bien. Non tu ne le sais pas, car je ne t’oublierais jamais, à jamais je chanterais mais ça ne me ridiculiserait pas car personne ne le saurais, je chanterais si bas que moi-même je n’entendrais pas ma propre voix. Mais tu sais ce qui serait très sympa ? si tu cessais d’exister… créature du vent et du sable, je ne suis qu’une pauvre montagne arrête de m’éroder, disparais ! tes caresses me font mal…

The wind finally ceased and Pazuzu spread her wings and flew away, to where there is nothing but Silence. Silence is scary, she’s a black widow that ingests her venom without a scar. Captivated by her deep black eyes you will stare into her eyes helplessly as she drains your internal organs liquefied by her invisible venom.
So it took Pazuzu great courage to break free. But freedom is an illusion and finally, Pazuzu gave in and fell to the floor. Remorse detected her scent and came to scavenge on her decaying soul. Remorse has long teeth and they hurt like hell. Remorse felt sorry when it hurt the painful moans of Pazuzu and just left her there to die so it can peacefully eat.

In deep sleep Pazuzu felt her muscles relax for the first time… and it felt good. Darkness reigned inside her closed eyes and she cherished the beautiful feeling of surrender.

Then morning came and gave Pazuzu another chance. Now she remembers nothing of her past, so when you meet her, make sure you never tell her about Lover, the mere mention of her name will unleash all the memories and bring back all the feelings that tormented her soul… let that be our secret!

Meem and the new changes of my life

Well, I promised to keep you people updated on my situation so far. Well here’s what happened: When I stopped updating a while back, it was because the month was over and I had to pay the internet bill, but back then I had made the decision to move to another provider but needed an additional 75$ for installation and stuff, so I decided to wait a month and then register. Then by the end of the month I realized that there is no need, I could move to my uncles’ place by the start of winter and they already have internet connection.

No, I wouldn’t be moving just to get internet access (that would be funny). In fact I am planning to move for three reasons. The first and most compelling reason is that I have a plan to start a small biotechnology lab and I have so many ideas how to develop it and everything, but I need the space, since my home in Jounieh is too small hopefully my grandparent’s home in Beirut is a better option.

In addition, I have started writing articles in the Beirut Marathon magazine: Running Middle East. Though I have no direct contact with the administration being in Beirut will help me more than staying in Jounieh.

Finally, I have become active in a growing and active society in Lebanon, the LBTQ women society (LBTQ standing for Lesbian Bisexual Transexual and Queer). All our weekly meetings are help is private and secret places in Beirut which makes it much easier for me to move to Beirut.

Now about our LBTQ society… The seed of this activism had started blooming exactly one year ago with the help and support of the helem association (The association for the protection of homosexuals in Lebanon. Quickly our community grew in numbers and in projects. During this summer it finally resulted in the launch the very first Middle East community for Lesbian rights, active on an Arabic soil: Meem.

Meem being a symbolically feminine letter in Arabic, symbolizing everything that the woman is in our community from her identity to her suffering, we had decided that Meem would only have one public aspect, our website: Meemgroup.org. The website is still under construction but some of its main features are already up and running.

Now the community is certainly secretive and private for the obvious reasons, first of all the privacy of our members is a need, considering the difficult situation in which we live and plan on improving. Second, our first goal is not advocacy of Lesbian rights, it is the internal empowerment of the girls to help them overcome the scars of a sexually repressed and repressive environment. Not that we don’t believe in the need to educate the general public on what we are and what we are not, no! Our advocacy will mainly be channeled through our cooperation with supporting organizations such as Helem or Aswat (the Palestinian Gay Women).

In addition to our website and our blog we have been organizing weekly support groups dealing with our communities problems and issues. We do have many other projects summarized here.

Now Meem is still young, it has succeeded in a very short while to gather a significant number of ladies (around 129) who simply appreciate other ladies but in order to sustain the ongoing effort we do need support, though financial support is certainly needed we most of all need recognition inside Lebanon and outside to ensure additional protection and additional efficiency.

So if you are interested in supporting, helping, encouraging, bashing us feel free to contact either me in person on my gmail account: Xie.medusa.stheno @gmail.com or directly contact the big bosses on the email: meem@meemgroup.org. And spread the word for others that I cannot contact myself.

Please everyone, welcome the super busy ultra successful Pazuzuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

I’m a bad bad blogger I know, but in the last couple of weeks I actually had a social life… do you people believe that?! I, Pazuzu, have a social life. I know you people are probably pissed off with my long absence but let me give you a quick view of the last few weeks and how I spent them. I am not sure if that will amuse you or make you hate me even more.

So on the 4th of July I had my biotechnology exam, the last of my exams and I did reasonably well. The same day I went out with some friends to Macdonald’s (yeah a bunch of adults enjoying our Macflurry) we stayed there from 7 till 10 or something.

The next day a friend of mine (A) invited me to go out with him and his boyfriend (C), being euphoric and super duper happy about my results I accepted and went out with them, it was very sweet and I had great fun, we had dinner at roadster and then ice cream and a couple of beers in a gay-friendly place. That was a Thursday, right?

Friday, I was supposed to go out with some friends but it didn’t work out, again (A) invited me to go out with him and his boyfriend, being thrilled about going out with this couple I accepted, but later on I was informed by (A) himself that he intended to break-up with (C)… All of a sudden I was no longer thrilled about it :-/… I really loved that couple they’re both awesome! Why did they have to break up, so I stayed at home that night (did I mention that I had left for my uncles’ place on Friday.

Saturday, I went out for a pseudo-pyjama night (we didn’t sleep there but we stayed up late and some of us slept there) with some girlfriends’. Again I had great fun.

Sunday, went out with (C) and (M) (she had organized the Saturday night out) and some other friends. We had lunch and laughed very hard.

Monday, I was too busy preparing for the defense of my thesis. I was scared and stressed and scared and worried and stressed and freaking out, but it went on great and I even scored 85/100! Do you believe that?! I, Pazuzu the #1 college failure, I scored 85 on my memoire! I was impressed! The highest grade I believe is 90, in the case of a memoire of course!

On the same day I met Jos at 2:30 am and we kept talking for 2 or 3 hours, then I left home, at 7 am (A) calls me inviting me to watch a movie and grab something to eat from crepaway in Ashrafieh (yes the very same place where an explosion took place a while back killing an elderly woman). I accepted and again it was very very nice, we watched shrek the third, it was very very funny. That night I slept in Beirut to avoid coming home at 12:30 am.

Wednesday, I came home, arrived home just in time to take G from his gym class and then I took him to macdonald’s for lunch, then when I came home I was TIIIIIIIRED. I’ve been suffering a headache and feeling so sleepy…. I wonder why?

Polygamous lesbians flee Sharia

I don’t know what to think of this news, it’s really really interesting.

So a woman marries 4 women at the same time, and flees from Sharia. I don’t know which is a greater crime to society lesbianism or polygamy ( I didn’t know if the right term would be polygyny or polyandry but anyway, labels don’t really matter, right?). If you ask a European what’s the most shocking about this s/he would tell you: Well ok she’s a lesbian, but to marry 4 women?! That’s immoral and degrading and a woman should know better. If you ask a Muslim what’s most shocking about this s/he would say: A woman marrying women?! Disgrace! To most Lesbians (and we all know the correlation between lesbianism and feminism, this is most of all disturbing because a lesbian ought to know better, she ought to know how degrading this would be to the women that she has married. Add to all this


But what all parties would agree on is that this sounds awkward and abnormal! I guess the only group that would enjoy this kind of news would be the average guy who gets turned on by lesbian sex… You’ll probably hear him say: Cool Man! Imagine the orgy! Man this woman must be the man she’d be the dominant one... Fucking cool man!

Here’s what I find shocking in the story:

1. Who wed them? Lesbian marriage can’t be celebrated by any cleric


2. Why did she marry 4 all at once? Is there any chance that she would actually love them all, or any of them?


3. What is she trying to do? Many homosexuals would like to have a chance of marriage, not in order to legalize their sexual behavior, but to get social recognition (after all they love each other just as any straight couple does) why should they be denied this fundamental right? In addition to certain legal rights concerning heritage and the legal status of any child the couple had. In this case I find it hard to see any of that. They all had to flee their homeland and to seek refuge elsewhere and they have no children

I have been reading and re-reading this article for days now trying to figure it out. It’s just too plain odd! But then again, and being so obsessed with anything paranormal I am always reaching the same conclusion… These women, until I am presented with any evidence proving me wrong, are one hell of a gang. Not only they chose to defy social standards and live their own sexuality, but they also chose to do so without losing their identity. They preserved their Muslim roots but still chose to live their identity.

But FUCK!!! I’d never marry more than one person haha.