Einmal ist Keinmal

Sophia©2008 john sloan

At every turning point of your life, you will suffer… No one and nothing can protect you. A long time ago Pazuzu decided that God was unable to save her out of her misery. She was right. But yet she lived to see another day. At every turning point she had to suffer. There were nothing to hide her away from it, it’s because Anguish comes from the inside, if you hide Anguish will occupy a greater portion of your own time and Anguish will scream into your ears. If you escape to the hands of Lover, Anguish will feel jealous and will haunt both you and Her, She will scream in your face telling you how you hurt Her and how you had no right to… even if you never hurt Her. If you run for your family their sincerely honest, yet hardly understanding, faces will be mirrors and in the mirror you will see Anguish. If you call for a friend, she will hug you, but then the second day you’ll wake up and the taste of blood would still be in your mouth, you run back to your friend and suddenly Anguish will grab your throat whispering in your ear that you are nothing but an annoying loser.

Anguish has a lover and that lover’s name is Tears. Anguish and Tears are soul mates; their love is a constant battle field where they satisfy their thirst with each other’s blood. Tears will make love to your soul, cuddle you and keep you warm. But then when the warmth is so delicious Tears will look around for Tears’ lover, then Tears will run after Anguish and they will renew their love over your body.
Bruised and hurt you will search for Happiness but Happiness is a player, Happiness will always be close enough for you to hope but never too close for you might capture Happiness. You see Happiness is like a nymph, Happiness likes to laugh and dance and you can never dance as fast as Happiness or laugh as hard. Happiness knows that and will never let you tie her up.

And whatever you do, do not run after Hope! Hope is the most vicious of all. Hope’s lover is deception. Hope would do anything to please Deception. So whatever you do, don’t get anywhere near Hope!

In the end when all has failed Pazuzu, when she sat silently on the cold marble of her pedestal, she looked down at the world and a warm air caressed her scales and for a moment she knew what it was like to be human, how the soft skin of humans felt when the air gently warmed it. And it felt good.

She waved her hand for Lover, Lover was snuggled in the arms of Enemy. But Pazuzu screamed to her anyway, she yelled:

C’est vraiment bizarre comment tout d’un coup je ne t’aime plus, mais si en ce moment tu me regarde d'un œil tendre, le BonDieu dans toute sa gloire ne saurait que serait ma réponse.

Lover didn’t hear a word Pazuzu said, so Pazuzu went on :

Tu sais, la liberté … c’est une illusion… tu vois, les chaînes qui m’étranglent le sont aussi. Même la douceur de tes mains me dérange désormais, même l’odeur de ta peau ne me séduit plus… Enfin, je t’aime tu vois… Mais je t’oublierais tu le sais bien. Non tu ne le sais pas, car je ne t’oublierais jamais, à jamais je chanterais mais ça ne me ridiculiserait pas car personne ne le saurais, je chanterais si bas que moi-même je n’entendrais pas ma propre voix. Mais tu sais ce qui serait très sympa ? si tu cessais d’exister… créature du vent et du sable, je ne suis qu’une pauvre montagne arrête de m’éroder, disparais ! tes caresses me font mal…

The wind finally ceased and Pazuzu spread her wings and flew away, to where there is nothing but Silence. Silence is scary, she’s a black widow that ingests her venom without a scar. Captivated by her deep black eyes you will stare into her eyes helplessly as she drains your internal organs liquefied by her invisible venom.
So it took Pazuzu great courage to break free. But freedom is an illusion and finally, Pazuzu gave in and fell to the floor. Remorse detected her scent and came to scavenge on her decaying soul. Remorse has long teeth and they hurt like hell. Remorse felt sorry when it hurt the painful moans of Pazuzu and just left her there to die so it can peacefully eat.

In deep sleep Pazuzu felt her muscles relax for the first time… and it felt good. Darkness reigned inside her closed eyes and she cherished the beautiful feeling of surrender.

Then morning came and gave Pazuzu another chance. Now she remembers nothing of her past, so when you meet her, make sure you never tell her about Lover, the mere mention of her name will unleash all the memories and bring back all the feelings that tormented her soul… let that be our secret!

I haven't spoken much about my personal life lately. There isn't much I can say, at least not much that I can say that I haven't spoken about in the past. As usual I went through a depression phase this winter too. But just as weirdly as last year, it faded away very abruptly.The good things is that it ended much faster than last year, last year it ended around June this year it ended in February. The bad news is that now I know, more than ever, that this phase will come back last year... And I am truly, genuinely, completely SICK of it.

But I guess over time I'll learn how to control it even more, nshalla.

And oh.. the picture, it's called http://www.flickr.com/photos/8259445@N07/2240501408/">warm and cosy for Taranoel... That's how I feel right now

Oh my God the horror! Oh the unforgivable crime! Oh the Blasphemy!
I could they even dare do such a thing to such a pious believer, a good feminist like myself should not be subjected to such cruel acts of temptation. today, as I was opening my Google Docs I was horrifying scene of the following:

It's PINK! like EW i don't want pink. It's for Valentine's Day but I refuse and object! not only am I single (which makes Valentine the more painful) but I am also a pink hater!
Well actually i don't exactly hate pink I just find this one very sappy and silly... So just so that history would remember this:

Pazuzu and her serpentine Penis objects and refuses and vows to avenge her wounded feminism!

I had planned to talk to you about my birthday, it was yesterday and yes now I’m 23 but as you all know, in Lebanon, Valentine’s Day is less celebrated than the death of Hariri exactly three years ago. A friend of mine was asking me to go but I had said no, for a very clear reason that I will talk about later. Last night around my neighborhood in Beirut, 14^th of Marcher were calling on people to participate in today’s demonstration using loud speakers and stuff. Keep in mind that I live in a Christian (combining both FPMers and Christians 14^th of Marchers of all factions!) area that is currently being engulfed by the rapid expansion of the Dahieh.

As far as I am concerned this move did nothing to change my mind, why would I change my mind aslan?

At around 10pm I go to bed as usual, at 2:20am I wake up, not on the sound of an explosion but the sound of gun shots! Around my house there are certain unusual and unhealthy phenomena taking place and at certain occasions guns were used, but this time it was different, it wasn’t the result of some personal problem, since it wasn’t a single shot or something, it was several (somewhere around 7 and 10) shots. Needless to say I jumped out of my bed to get a grip of what was happening but I didn’t jump to the windows, a habit I have learnt from previous gun shots J. But I was genuinely scared. Not much was known so I went back to bed.

This morning, my uncle informs me that our building was specifically targeted! Shooting on the first floor where there are commercial shops and stuff, a few shots landed on the façade of the building also. What’s even funnier is that a small explosive was thrown but didn’t explode.

The news certainly wasn’t aware of this news, for many reasons:

1- Tomorrow is the 14^th of March, it’s better to promote a fake image of security

2- his is a delicate area it would be unwise to wake the demon lying next to us

3-I’m sure there were many incidents that were meant to scare people, promoting it would be giving the perpetrators what they wanted

Surprisingly no one got hurt and we got back to our normal lives… more or less…

And now let’s see… Why did I refuse to go to Martyr’s square today?

Because of the horrible weather?

Well tropical rain was never the best environment for demonstrations but Beirut always had the talent of pleasantly keeping me wet J so if this year’s celebration would have seduced my heart the rain wouldn’t have stopped me.

The horrible gunshots?

Well it scared me but if it proved anything it proved that staying at home won’t protect me, weapons can come to my home.

The fear of trouble?

I have been hearing a lot about the potential problems, my birthday preparations were made extremely difficult due to that situation, parents are literally locking up their kids and forbidding them to move around in Beirut. The situation is not the best ever, it’s dangerous and everything may as well blow up in Martyrs’ square today… But danger should never stop us, I went down to college last year when the 8^th march forces were burning tires and advising everyone to stay home, or else… And I survived! So that wasn’t why I didn’t go.

I am just disappointed!

Yes I am disappointed, I am disappointed for a lot of reasons and because of a lot of actions that I considered to be “not good enough”. The mistakes that the cedar revolution patrons did started from the 2005 elections and never stopped. BUT in spite of that, I remained faithful to my revolution and to my choices, I went down to many demonstrations but this time, they crossed the line! What is particularly insulting for me is the repetitive submission to Hezbollah’s blackmail; no I won’t take that shit! Not that I don’t know how difficult the situation, I am fully aware of how delicate the situation is!

But there is not plausible excuse for this country to remain without a president! I don’t really care what the consequences would be… I demand a president! I live right next to the Dahieh and our building would be the first one to fall if Hezbollah chooses to retaliate, no one is more in danger than us. What must be done must be done, and some people must be put back to their places. It’s more than obvious than they don’t want a president. If they wanted a president they wouldn’t delegate Aoun to negotiate in the name of the opposition.

For the past couple of years, we have strictly refused a new General for President… Then we accepted, what does that mean? That means we’re mere cowards, no not cowards… Idiotic cowards! For it has not led to the election of Sleiman, no, it only gave the opposition an advantage that we can no longe take back. Now Hezbollah has moved to another achievement they now want to choose the government that suits them best… And Lebanon is still dangerously headless!

So no I won’t walk to the Martyrs’ Square, because a few months ago 14^th of march officials were claiming they can elect a president because they had more than half of the parliament… But they didn’t and I refuse this move they made.

It’s weird how life can turn around and twist us to the point of breaking us apart and then it would gather our broken pieces and breathe life back to our bones and we go on with our life as if we never suffer. Then years after it you would still think about it and remember it but the pain is gone, you still cry but you’re not sad anymore. It’s funny how so much suffering can be remembered with nothing but compassion and sympathy for the tortured child you were, I guess that’s a sign that it’s behind you. Ever since I cam to accept my troubling past I have gathered the courage to talk to a few people about it, I expected to find many people sharing some similar experiences but what I didn’t expect was to see how much they suffer remembering those moments of their lives, it must be so painful for them. It’s not the same for me…

Exactly a decade ago I was in my dark ages I was struggling with repeated suicide attempts as clearly all of my friends already know. Now a lot has changed, for the best mainly. But around 11 years ago, I was dragged by my mom to church it was at this time of the year, it was the last week of fast and there is this Christian ritual where they celebrate the suffering of the Christ, there were a few songs that cut right through me and touched my heart like no other experience would ever again and I cried. Luckily my mom didn’t see me cry back then, but something changed in me that evening and I was never the same. Over the next 2 years I would go from celebrating suffering to meditation, prayer and perpetual fast… then drop down into excessive guilt, self-hatred and of course suicide.

That evening I heard three Hymns that touched me, I’ll try to translate the other two but this is one of them. By the way, try to ignore the video itself it’s full of blood and doesn’t always convey the suffering in its true meaning…

***In the voice of mary****

Habibi Habibi (I didn’t translate habibi because there is no English word that could capture its Arabic sweetness) look at how you have become

Who has troubled you, who gave you this cup of vinegar that you would accept to drink?

Habibi, what wrong have you done, what despicable act have you done?

You’re exhausted and you’re wounded beyond healing

***in the voice of Jesus***

I was in the garden at night and I was troubled to the gut

I prayed and I prayed until I sweat

I said: God, if you may, save me from the pain ahead of me

In my heart incomparable grief, not even to drowning in mud

Like a sheep they laid me down on earth and crucified me

All those around me abandoned me as if I was a stranger

So I turned back to god, the only one that capable of helping me, the only one watching over the world

And to injustice succeeded sorrow, despair and bitter tears

Tied up, beaten as if I was the lowest of decadents

Whipped like the nastiest of criminals

And all for your sake, for your wellbeing, for you to be happy sane and secure

Look at me! Have you ever seen such suffering under the sky?

It must sound so awkward for an atheist to be moved by such a Hymn but it’s actually the memories that leave me speechless, there are things that I can never express, which is good I guess

Source: Man lived with corpse for years

I am usually very skeptical when International media is suddenly interested in the “poor Middle East’s“ suffering. I am against selective support for human causes which is in fact nothing but an international abuse of our struggle for human rights.

But I am above all against the abuse that we suffer from in our own societies, international media might be insulting in the way they take advantage of us, but our own people TORTURE and PERSECUTE us, for no reason, be it apparent or not.

But I speak of discrimination because of this case where an Egyptian guy states that he is HIV positive, a sort of social crime in our society exactly like lesbianism is, as we all know. So… notice the chain of events:
1. The police arrests him
2. Arrests the male friend that was with him
3. Handcuffs both of them 23h/day on the hospital bed
4. subjected to anal tests to "prove" their homosexual conduct (against their will)
5. beaten for refusing to sign statements written by the police
6. Two others were arrested when police found their photographs and contact numbers in the wallets of those detained
7. Then four others in November when police raided the flat of one of those being held, which had been placed under surveillance

Now the first four are being convicted of "habitual debauchery"… Which is one of several ways an Egyptians could be legally punished for being Homosexual, other pretexts may include obscenity or prostitution…

What is sad and pathetic and heart breaking is that these people, may or may not be Homosexuals, the only thing that is known for a fact is that one of them is HIV positive… A person that is not even sick but the requires and might require in future medical assistance and support, I guess being tortured and inhumanly treated will force them not only to snap out of homosexuality but also snap out of HIV, right?

---

Sources:

BBC News: Egypt 'torturing HIV sufferers'
PinkNews: Egypt accused of criminalising HIV positive gay men

It’s kind of odd how people with seemingly nothing in common may share such intimate details. It’s even weirder how you see the same pattern of ignorance and shame repeated around the world, I always thought it was my religious environment that caused this but as I grow older I come in contact, one way or the other, with people that had the same experience, take this postcard (from the postsecret blog):




I lived almost the same experience as an adolescent. I thought the changes on my body and its mutilation was God’s punishment for masturbation. But I was also raised to believe that God never I punishes… I was fucked up!
And what was more fucked up is that I kept believing I was bringing the mutilation to myself and trying to fix it for a very long time, until I was 19. I am not sure why I lived this phase for so long. Even after the suicidal phase of my life ended at 14 the shame was always there, I always believed I’d never get married since my husband would be repulsed and disgusted by my looks. And I still feel terribly ugly! I am bitterly relieved to see people talk about the things that bothered me also. I often think of how many people still live in that hell, it’s unimaginable. How can a healthy child turn into such a crippled teenager? Simply by using the weapon of ignorance and adding the typical religious guilt. I grew up thinking I was the only human being with such extremely ugly genitalia! I thought everyone else had ones that looked like babies… Just as I lived my whole life thinking I was the only one who tried to herself in the world. This is why, whenever I am talking to someone, I do say that I tried to kill myself, hopefully I would contributing to breaking down that wall of silence that suffocates us all.
Some people feel that my bitterness towards religions and the Church is irrational and doesn’t really make sense, inno I exaggerate. But I don’t! I suffered the same oppression, hurt and psychological mutilation as almost everyone around me. I was more vulnerable because I took it more seriously and religions, if they are true, should be taken seriously, so I suffered irrational suffering because I did the right thing, I believed them!
Now I don’t believe them anymore and there are no half solutions, it’s either these religions are true or they are not! And they are NOT… So yes, when my brother comes to me telling me about what he learn in class today about GOD, I freak out! If my brother goes through what I went through because of those religious bastards I don’t know what I could do, all I can do is to hope he doesn’t. I just hope he survives it long enough to write about it as I write about it now, I’m sure he’d be a very happy adult if he does.