Einmal ist Keinmal

I am feeling good! Well, that’s because today’s exam went pretty well, at least on comparison with the rest. You can check it all with this Long meaningless gossip about my exams. I said last week that I am in the midst of my exams right now and that I have neither the time nor the energy to blog. It’s still true now, I was scared that I might have nothing to post today except for two small entries one about my exams and the other about the weird symptoms of studying overdose, but I did find the energy to talk about Sunday’s event. And finally an entry about what Mary thinks of me and a report about my fattening process

On a side note I have noticed and increase interest in my blog (cool huh!) and I was thinking for a while of some changes that I might want to do, hopefully after my exams are over I will get the chance to work on it, but I want your opinion people.

• I was thinking first of all of a change in my template or something, my brother encouraged me to do so, he can code java and he’s one of those computer nerds (but much cuter to look at). Don’t let your imagination carry you away, I still insist on black… But I don’t know if you have any suggestions that would be cool


• About the date in which I update: I always update on Mondays, when college starts I might have to adapt that to my schedule. Because I would update from college (it’s a little cheaper there) do you guys have any preference?


• With start of the war I had been posting a lot on politics and stuff, which led me to think that maybe I am mixing too many subjects in the same blog. As far as I’m concerned I like all the mixing and stuff, but I suppose that those who follow my blog strictly for the political part would feel bothered by the personal entries. I was wondering maybe I should open two independent blogs. Well I was thinking of keeping this blog diverse and creating other blogs that would contain only entries in the same atmosphere (these entries would certainly show up in the general blog). The idea seemed most of all appealing when I thought of how little science I talk about in here because most of you people wouldn’t be interested in it, especially that I wouldn’t always post in English (sometimes scientific terms can be stressing to translate). One of the negative side effects would be that some of the entries would turn out to be difficult to classify since I mix up subjects inside the same entry… I don’t know


• My brother advised me to add an AdSense for advertisement, or maybe a tip jar or both, but I am uncertain of that since I don’t have any “professional” site or anything, but the idea is appealing never the less

You want the truth? I didn’t think that the ‘ouwet (LF) would be able to gather so many people, I mean they didn’t pay people to go (if that would have been the case I would have been the first to know) and they didn’t send buses to any neighboring countries to pick up some supporters. Not to mention that it was strictly a ‘ouwet event, no Future movement, no Tayyar, nothing!

But frankly, the ‘ouwet move was impeccable.

• They had posters put everywhere in the Christian streets, they made sure everyone would know the exact date of the event.


• A few days before Geagea was represented in Bashir’s mass


• The Gemayel family was represented by Amine (Bashir’s brother) and his son Minister Pierre, Parliament member Solange (Bashir’s wife) and Nadim (Bashir’s son). This Gemayel cover will be crucial in giving the future ‘ouwet an unprecedented power, mark my words


• They also had representatives of the Tayyar or at least the Aoun block! This is pretty interesting because the Tayyar was respected and now has no reason to attack the event, if however Aoun would criticize it he would regret it because the event was in general very “Aoun-friendly” and most of all Tayyar friendly


• There were ALL of the 14th of march representatives (one by one). The loyalty that the ‘ouwet is showing to the 14th of March figures will pay off later on in future elections because of local support it would get them, the Tayyar failed to do so by failing to cooperate with historical political families and when the Tayyar cooperated with the local families he failed to preserve their particularity and they were usually mutilated politically


• The whole Druze political cast was present (except for the Jumblat of course who was firing at Hezbollah from another corner)


• There were a representative of the Parliament president (Pro Hezbollah!). This is of course a smart move from both the ‘ouwet and the head of Parliament (Nabih Berry) who’s discretely but firmly creating a distance between the Amal movement and Hezbollah, as a first step toward inheriting Hezbollah once the latter is weakened.

Now of course there are certain questions about all these preliminary works and invitation, such as the origin of the money that was invested in this meeting (I wonder if the Future movement provided the money?) the ‘ouwet itself has no real money, it was either confiscated by the regime after 1994 or illegally transferred to ‘ouwet members living abroad, the amount is mediocre and there’s no legal obligation to return the money. Even if it was given back, I doubt that the money would be thrown away like that. I don’t know, it doesn’t matter anyway, it’s not as if Iran is paying. Some time would have to pass before we would see the real criticism to the event.

Another criticism

The amount of people that massed in Harissa that day was also interesting for the two reasons.

First of all it was held in Harissa, near Bkerkeh, that’s where the Maronite Cardinal resides. It’s historically a reference for Christians, before Geagea was released and Michel Aoun came back, Bkerkeh was the bastion of Maronite Christians. Just a reminder it was the Cardinal who had given the first huge blow for the Syrian presence, resulting in a huge polemic in which very few dared to stand and defend the Cardinal’s demands. Gebran was still alive back then and his famous Open Letter to Mr. Assad was also historical but the Cardinal was the head of the Maronite church. At that time the Cardinal tried very hard to mobilize the international opinion to help Lebanon and pressure Syria. The world was not ready to listen to us. The Cardinal made a visit back then to the USA and none of the important officials would meet with him (what a change of attitude, now the president himself meets him!). Back then, and at the Cardinal’s return to Lebanon there were a massive reception and masses walked to Bkerkeh to salute and support the Cardinals demands… 100 000 person gathered in Bkerkeh back then, and even though we failed to get anything from the international community the Cardinal’s position was firmly established and all the voices that called the Cardinal an “Israeli traitor” suddenly went silent.

The reason why I remember all this because back then the Cardinal’s position represented the whole Maronite community and dignified it for the first time in a whole decade. The Tayyar members have certainly not forgotten that historical blow of hope and I hope that Aoun would remember just how crucial it is for us to see some sort of dignifying position from his side, how we refuse to see our support to him diverted into a support to Hezbollah. If he fails to see that then maybe the ‘ouwet would do a better job and maybe assume the Christian Political opinion that the Cardinal had assumed but that wasn’t his role. The numbers certainly remind us that event 5 years ago.

The second reason why these numbers are so important is that they give Geagea’s word (after the mass) so much credibility and reducing the importance of “I’m 70% of all Christian people” philosophy that Aoun has been using to prove that the Tayyar is much larger than the ‘ouwet.

Personally I am not really interested in who’s going to be the political representative of Christians. I did say this before and I repeat it right now, the Tayyar did not give Aoun all these voices he gathered. The Christians are pretty diverse and above all we have a lot of historical parties, the ‘ouwet and the Tayyar are the strongest but it’d be irrational for any to try to simplify it. During 2005 Geagea was in jail and many Christians suspected that his wife cannot represent Geagea’s opinion, especially when it came to the alliance with the Future movement and Druze and many ‘ouwet members preferred to vote for Aoun (who was allied to no one) on voting along with the Druze and Sunna. This has changed, those voters refuse to see their voices diverted for the Benefit of Hezbollah and Syria, and everyone is seeing the political closeness between the Druze and the Maronites in contrast with the divergence between the Shiia and the Christians. The memorandum with Hezbollah was a mistake and the Christians are trying to send that message to Aoun right now.

Now as for the Geagea’s word itself. The word itself was excellent. Excellent for many reasons.

• The word addressed Hezbollah and Nasrallah directly. It put in words what the Christians are saying every single day. He expressed a direct criticism to Hezbollah. It was just as strict as Nasrallah’s word. It did create a balance, for years now the Christians have been under the impression that they cannot say things exactly as they see it, that they have to be extremely diplomatic and avoid speaking what might hurt the feelings of others. While the other part is publicly attacking the Christian figures and provoking street.


• I would also like to emphasize on the fragment where Geagea insists that the Christians have nothing to fear, that they should let no one intimidate them. Directly defying Hezbollah’s assaults on the Christian areas (such as the attack on Ashrafieh after a political program criticized Nasrallah and the assault after the Danish cartoon polemic). From now on Geagea has in fact set a new level of criticism tolerance from the Islamist side. In spite of all the criticism that Geagea directed to the Nasrallah none dared to go on the streets and burn anything saying, “they have dignity”


• The participation also indicated that the Christian street is still mobilized and powerful enough there fore sending a message to the allies that they ought to give more weight to the Christians and engage more in the protection of the Christian areas and people


• Geagea insisted on the ‘ouwet’s alliance with both the Future movement, Jumblat and all the Arab sides who showed support during the war. The Masses indicated clearly that the Christians are still committed to their alliance in the 14th of March movement and in the Cedar revolution and that all the talks about any Christian closeness with Hezbollah is not on the public level


• Geagea and the crowds showed great respect to all the political rivals starting from Michel Aoun and even Hezbollah. There were no hostile slogans and even when Hezbollah was mentioned no one expressed any disrespect. There were just hostile shouts when the word “Syria” would be mentioned… You didn’t expect the ‘ouwet to become angels did you?


• Geagea mentioned in his word many Martyrs that used to be considered as ‘ouwet’s enemies, even René M’awwad, Kamal Jumblat and Dany Chamoun, the ‘ouwet were accused of all these murders, but the ‘ouwet denies. This is all in part of the effort to give the ‘ouwet a wider representation and a sign that there is significant difference between the ‘ouwet before 2005 and the ‘ouwet after 2005


• But there were no negligence to the past. It is true that Geagea showed respect to non-‘ouwet Martyrs but Geagea also reminded the resistance role of the ‘ouwet mentioning Zahle and other Christians bastion of what was back the “Lebanese resistance” in contrast with the modern Resistance. At the same time, linking and contrasting the two movements and the two concepts, reminding Hezbollah and others that the Christians once held weapons and they can do the same again but also that the Christians are fully aware of what Resistance can be… Very poetic huh? Well when you examine very closely the ‘ouwet and the Hezbollah have more in common than they like to admit

In brief I could simply say I am satisfied with the new balance of power that’s being built. Hopefully the Lebanese people are learning how to better monitor their political inclination. And I hope that the ‘ouwet would show more awareness than Michel Aoun, the best would be if they both learn from all this. That way, instead of having one leader (whether it’s Aoun or Geagea) trying to cancel anyone else, we would have 2 that would compete and work hard to preserve the public support… Maybe, just maybe, this is all baby steps toward learning democracy!

No I am not about to speak about Virgin Mary, Mary is a friend of mine in college. We are really close or anything, I am close to almost no one. But I do know her, at many occasions I talk to her as I do with all those and she’s nice so I’m always looking forward to talk to her. However I never tried to test her impression about me.

On the last exam of the last session (the beach day that is) I had my newest and coolest shirt to college and would certainly attract Mary’s attention because she’s so keen on fashion and stuff (you should see her collection of purses and hand bags, so girly but stylish never the less) that day she looked at me and instantly said to me:

Walla Rebecca, you’re looking very pretty today

It was nice of her and she didn’t seem jealous or anything, so it’s double compliment.

Last Friday, when I had my Zoology exam Mary and Alice invited me to study with them for the Biometry exam. I was extremely tired and we didn’t study anyway, it was just a chance to relax and get in touch with nice people.

At a certain point of the conversation Mary says to me:

Do you know what I think of you Rebecca?

It seemed totally out of nowhere but she’s famous for being spontaneous anyway.

I’ve known you for the last 2 years now, and at first I admit that I didn’t know you well, you seemed distant and unconcerned with the rest of the world…

Of course I interrupted by including a joke about no one knowing me since I have a very unstable character anyway (I have to insert a joke I wouldn’t be myself if I didn’t).

No you have a very stable character, but last year I didn’t get the chance to know you any better, now that I know you… You’re a good person (“you have a good character” was what she exactly said, but I am not sure if the same expression is used in English)

Now of course, if she had hated me she wouldn’t have said it in my face, but I liked what she had to say anyway, I kind of like Mary, in fact I like most people if not to say all. And someone says something like that to me it feels so good. Eventually in my friendships I almost have nothing to give, I am not good at socializing and I tend to feel insecure and avoiding… As Mary had said “distant”. I am only good at doing two things, talking science. Yes in my real life I talk science, ecology and psychology almost as much as I talk about languages (because most people are not interested), religions and sects ( I could attract problems) or politics (politics is all about emotions most o the time, there is little to say). But by far my most rewarding social activity is joking and making others laugh, even if I look ridiculous and even if they don’t take me seriously because of it, it doesn’t matter, it feels good to know you can make people’s life a little brighter.

Mary’s word made me feel that maybe she saw that in me, and in fact she just gave me a blunt compliment saying I am “good”… who wouldn’t be happy to hear that.

5 symptoms of excessive studying:

1. Your start dreaming of friendly teachers that help you out with the difficult questions


2. You close your eyes and you still see the picture of Schistosoma mansoni


3. You can’t clearly see any object more than 20 cm away from your eyes


4. You make extremely hilarious jokes concerning Pistacia vera and vero moda but no one finds it funny, instead they all think you’re losing your mental balance


5. You start picking your nose in public… What’s the big deal anyway, it’s very healthy and helps evacuate… never mind

5 symptoms of over stressing resulting from excessive studying:

1. The wind moves the door and you suffer a panic attack (I don’t really understand the reason behind this abnormality but it seems related to the stress)


2. Nasrallah threatens to restart his bloody war again and your answer is:
   “WHO CARES!! The real issue is the secondary role of AND pol”


3. Everybody accuses you of being grumpy… Who’s grumpy?! I am a very reasonable, tolerant, extremely nice person!


4. You start wishing for a boy friend (again)


5. Masturbation (in spite of reason #4) is reduced to the role of regulating the Stress Hormones / Anti Stress Hormones equilibrium.

Wow, it seems like forever since I wrote anything. The touch of my green ink pen seems weird in my fingers (even though I write all day long with pens but the context make all the difference). I didn’t write anything from Monday till Friday, I miss blogging and there’s a lot I would have loved to write about but my mind’s totally blank.
You see, this week was OK in almost everything, but it was crazy when it comes to studying. I told you I had my botany exam last Monday but I didn’t feel like talking about it. The thing is that I had studied very well for it and it came below my expectations. Might fail, might get through, but definitely as much as I had worked for. And you know what? I totally blame the professor for it, I am not the kind that would blame the professor for my lack of work and I am not saying that I was perfectly prepared, no! If that was the case then any exam would have been passable. But I DID study; in fact I mostly studied Molecular genetics and Botany. The professor had a wide of variety of ways to ask questions, she could have asked about the characteristics of Botanical families, she could have asked about the classification of plants, she could have asked about the meaning of words in Latin and give examples, then to ask about some plants that give oil, or nuts or I don’t know what… she could have given a combination but NO!

She asked about plants that give oil (all 10 plants) and nuts all 8… Not just that she wanted the Latin AND French names, and she demanded all the names if you forget a couple of names you’re fucked… Oh and she asked about the plants that have a Latin name that ends with a county’s name… Not just that she wanted each country to be represented once and she didn’t want a region a continent, no! A COUNTRY…

She also asked about the plants that Jesus received on his birth… Oh I wonder if she would have asked that question if our university wasn’t in East Beirut.

She did ask some reasonable questions, but not that many the major notes were about the weird questions that totally drained my memory.

Enough talking about the Botany exam. On Thursday it was the molecular genetics exam. It was disappointing also, but I should be able to act through that. The disappointment in here is that the Professor gave the same exam 2 years ago… Exactly the same, the SAME. In fact, two years ago he made a typo writing: Enxyme instead of enzyme… did he fix it this year? No.

I suppose I should be happy about it, but the problem is that I don’t “study” the old exams, I check them to see my level, were I to know he gives the same exams over and over again, I would have studied them word by word.

And Friday… Friday… * Drums *…Friday… Zoology exam. As I said previously, I had neglected this exam to study Botany. But when I didn’t do that well in Botany, I had to try hard to study it and to do something, so starting from Tuesday I did a colossal work to try and compensate, and you could say it paid off. But it is not certain and what was annoying is that there were a question that I could have answered it was on 10 points, but I kind of mixed up the Nematode group with another… I could have had the complete note that would have given me a much better chance to succeed. But it’s ok, it’s not that bad.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t keep the same level of studying of last week on this weekend and the Pedologie this Monday. But then the exam was extra super easy… the professor’s so nice she would have solved the exam herself if that’s what it would take to help the student succeed.

Anyway enough with last week I still have a whole week of exams ahead of me:

- Tuesday Biometry ( I don’t think I can do this one)
- Wednesday English (should be easy)
- Friday Biochemistry (this is the most important because all possibilities are open)

And finally, about the new academic year:

In theory, the new academic year was supposed to start on November the 15th. Because our exams end on the 3rd of October, the exams for medicine and pharmacy should start after our exams’ results.

BUT! But apparently our courses will start on the first of November, with all the courses. And the English courses start on October the second! Crazy college, crazy country, crazy people!

It’s not working! I just can’t gain those 3 damn Kilos. I check my weight weekly for the last month and I am still stuck at 47 Kg.

Not that I am complaining, I am eating well and I suffer no health problems of any sort. Not to mention that I know how helpful it can be when you need some favor from someone on the street or in a bus.

But what worries me is that I can’t control my weight. Every once and a while someone tells me I lost weight. It’s meant to be a compliment (and usually exaggerated) but eventually it becomes annoying. But then you check your weight and you realize that indeed you are often losing weight. And still that was never a problem, I always told people that I don’t go through any diet, sometimes I’d say it’s because of the college stress or work… And BESIDES, I can always gain back all that weight if I try to, right?

Well, I never tried to gain weight, I am not anorexic! But then, this summer I kind of freaked out when I reached 47 Kilos, I never dropped under 50Kg. This is not normal, I mean before reaching 18 I thought that weight can’t be stable, but now I’m 21.

I should be 54,55 Kg, I haven’t reached any critical level, I have regular periods I have no nausea thus I am not going to see any doctor or anything (It’d be silly to go see a doctor for such a reason when I am neglecting).

I told my mom that I dropped under 50 but she didn’t do any weird reaction, she didn’t tell me to stop walking barefoot, she didn’t tell me that I think too much and she didn’t advise me to stop doing * THAT * habit with all the psychological and physical exhaustion…

I’m proud of you mom, or maybe was it because I mentioned it in front of my dad and uncle and there fore didn’t feel it would be appropriate to start.

So I break records in both bad luck and stupidity….I always post first, check stuff later, but then I though to myself: Relax Rebecca today you're not paying for it, so take your time and read first post later… So I read and what when I start posting (in parallel with some more reading)… Connection dies! So I have a few posts posted and the rest is a mystery, not to mention that I was chatting at the same time, he must feel I slammed some cyber door in his face.

So what happens next? Instead of saving the work I was doing on the USB till I get the chance to post it… I delete it all, you know … um… because… Hell! I don’t know why I've deleted it, I just did it because I did it, because I like deleting stuff. Fortunately, it was just the introduction entry with which I link to the other posts.

Anyway the posts aren't that great this week, I was busy studying and posting was mentally annoying and exhausting. I did have a lot to say and I have a lot of ideas on the waiting list (yes I have a waiting list) but ideas seem to go out so incoherent! That sucks. I did manage to post a few bits


I have some good news for this week though:


My Big Big Brother is now a celebrity!!! Ok ok no he’s not a celebrity, but his name appeared for the first time on TV as part of the technician team in that particular program, unfortunately we didn’t have that channel so we didn’t see it, but his name DID appear! It’s cool to see him having a good start in life (God knows the amount of difficulty he’s facing daily).



Answer to the tag I received

Some tunisian words I couldn't understand

Just something that my Aunt likes to do

The Pope's word


My little little has turned 7 on the 13th of September! He's a man now.

My mom seems to be better, I don't know, she's still sleeping a lot.

My dad Well he's as always, his back pain seems to have diminished, he's always smiling anyway.

The worst exam is over, now there's th4e other bad exams, I hate exams more than I hate … Never mind

I am going to post the links to the other blogs that I read now (well there aren't much anymore since I only get to dig up for an hour or two every week) but, if the connection helps, I'll post them. I was going to do that last week but I forgot to save it on my flash memory.

Anyway I am posting my email address too, that way anyone can send me any question, it'd be better that way, instead of leaving a comment and waiting a week till I read it, then another till I get the chance to answer, well I might not get the chance to read my mail often, but who knows…

Speaking of comments, sorry I didn't answer the comments last week I forgot! I'll try to compensate this week.

Ok, I couldn’t get a camera to take a picture as most of you adults do ( you can find a careful scan of what I have in here but I couldn't upload), yes it sucks to be myself. But anyway here’s a item by item scan of what I have in pack, in fact I have two packs but I usually have the same in both.

1- It’s just a paper that belonged to my brother. He doesn’t need it anymore, but somehow it got into my bag and I can’t get rid of it anymore.
2- It’s the same paper as #1 but on the back side, it’s a map of how to get to a particular store that sells cereals and stuff like that, my mom wanted me to buy some tea, I never found the damn thing, I never used the map either.
3- Bus ticket… Yes I collect these things but I usually put them somewhere else.
4- List of books, I keep lots of these things but not on separate papers, the list is formed with all the references that I find when ever I am reading a certain book. This list is from the book I read a while back “L’histoire des juifs en France”.
5- Another list, from the Science et Vie - Hors Série about the First humanoids.
6- Gloss… it’s a birthday gift.
7- A sticker I got from the CCF one day, but I don’t have a radio, the radio I used to have died!
8- That’s the amount of tissues that I carry with me
9- A tombola card I got from Nagi, the LF candidate for the elections.
10- A small piece of paper, an invitation to participate in a religious meeting (prayers and stuff) there’s a lot of these things that take place in and around my college and the surrounding schools and colleges too. I don’t participate in any of these but I keep the paper.
11- No prize for guessing what those are.
12- … I couldn’t remember how it’s called in English so the French-speaking friends have to help out… It’s a ruban adhésif
13- That’s my best friend: My small bag of pain killers: A couple of regular Panadol tablets (blue) and couple of Panadol Extra tablets (In red), and the small yellow tablet is Brexin, the oblong tablet’s Ponstant… I’m phobic when it comes to pain.
14- That’s what you find in my wallet (Item #31 at the bottom): 2 Lebanese coins (100LL =6 cents; each) and one franc belge. ( I have no idea where I got it from, it’s no longer in use). And a couple of Panadol tablets (again)
15- A small piece of paper, it’s a name I am meaning to search online.
16- My note book, it’s cheap (50cents) and it’s useful, I have it for the last 3 years now, I use it for everything and anything, I even have the phone number of the guy that used to harass me last year, I’ll never call him but I keep his number.
17- That’s my ID… The Lebanese way. It isn’t obvious on this picture, but the religion is still mentioned on the ID (makes it easier to figure out whether I should be killed or not in case war breaks out again)
18- That’s Lebanese money, that’s all the money I had left that day, 1000LL = 60 cents (almost).
19- The Jounieh’s CCF card, along with the cover and the schedule (the yellow small paper)
20- Wacth #1 that’s the official watch, I hated it since my mom bought it for me, the colour the look, the shiny stuff, the size, nya’! But it doesn’t matter anyway, I haven’t put a watch around my hand for almost 4 years now, I simply lost the habit and never felt the need for it.
21- Watch #2 this one has been broken for more than 3 years now, but as I said before I keep my watch in my purse so it just hangs around, I don’t throw these things away anyway, they carry so many memories. I still have all my watches since I was 14.
22- Watch #3 this one has been broken for just 1 year or two.
23- Exams card, I need that for the second session
24- Beirut’s CCF card with the cover, the schedule (yellow paper), the summer schedule, the return time of my last borrowing, it expired right in the middle of the war, I am going to be in so much trouble when I return the books.
25- My keys along with my key holder, and small scissors of course!
26- Razors, yes I keep a couple of razors in each of my purses.
27- My college card for the third year.
28- My Library card, third year also.
29- My college card for the first year. (The second year card was lost)
30- … Does it need explaining? (I just can’t remember the damn name for it in English) I use it to write my thoughts. That’s where my entries are born, and then I write them back to the computer.
31- My USB port flash memory… Big thanks for Pazuzu’s brother (he paid for it) and for Pazuzu’s mom (she got me the yellow holder that was the excuse for Pazuzu’s brother to buy the Flash memory)… Oh and I am holding it with my hand to make it appear better, it you open my backpack you are unlikely to find my hand in it.
32- My wallet… isn’t it the cutest thing ever?
33- To be perfectly honest, there’s one other thing I carry everywhere with me, but I can’t tell you about that… (No I don’t have any sex toys!)


I know you all think I went too far and that I keep to much useless stuff… But this is my safety zone, I like collecting papers, they carry words and words carry thoughts and memories, I like all the bullshit that I carry around, you should see the things I have packed in my mountain home!

P.S.: Dimensions are heavily distorted; item # 30 is much bigger for example… Sorry.

In my family we always liked to talk about different people and different cultures, when it came to Arabs, my environment was never very Arab friendly, and of course we had a scale of preferences:

The worst of Arabs were according to my family the Syrians naturally, one of the best Arabs (according to my family) were the people from the Maghreb and on top of all, the Tunisians.

First of all they are Francophone.

Carthage is in Tunis, the Phoenician pride (in spite of all the differences).

Tunisians as Moroccan and other Maghrebiens are pretty exotic, a mix between the Arab culture, Europe and the native Berber.

I never met in person any Tunisian, except for a lovely family that came to the restaurant but the Tunisian culture is a recurrent subject of my family meetings, language more particularly.

When I listen to a Tunisian talk I struggle really hard to grasp a few words, even though I speak both French and Arabic I can’t understand what they say, we in Lebanon insert French (and English) words in our language but usually a French word remains whole, we don’t Arabise it as they do.

Take the example of this page I have scanned from my little brother’s Math Devoir de Vacances. It’s about the basic expressions used in Tunis and the ones that I haven’t been able to decrypt:


Ech nah oualik?: comment ça va?

Labas: ça va bien

Lalla: Madame

Zouje: 2

I wonder if it has something to do with the Berber Language or just some connection that I can’t figure out.

I hate girly stuff, I avoid pink like a plague and when I run out of deodorant I prefer use my brother’s on my mom’s. I don’t enjoy make up (except on marriages and special occasions, and someone has to do it for me). And I hate most men (well I don’t hate them all, some are really awesome but most are just… Nya’)

Everybody tries to “help” me in all this and at a certain time in life I felt as if I needed that “help”, well not anymore. But a few people are still trying to “help”, one of them is one of my Aunts, her son has a boutique and she keeps sending me funny looking cloth, she once sent me a black and yellow shirt… Yes it seemed as if someone had skinned a bee. On another occasion she sent me a pink Bermuda pants ( that was 5 years ago and it is still someone in the closet)… On Sunday she sent me green pants… not the dark green pants, the very light and almost yellow pants… GREEN!!

I don’t understand why does she do that she knows I won’t wear that, and my uncle warned her I wouldn’t like it… But NOOOOOOOOOOO she just had to send it, who knows maybe I wear it on some bal masque.

I also went to the shop today and she insisted I would take some of those "I'm so feminine" kind of parfum… But it's ok my mom will take it.

What bothers me is that I was going to talk about this next week, or the week before it, that was before the pope spoke and now only half of my ideas were posed which spoiled the surprise

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Wow! I had no idea what had happened; all I know was that the whole Islamic world was outrageous over what the Pope had said… What did he say?

Oh, this religious man is mad at the Pope, that one’s inviting the Arab world to take “actions”… yes… Ok, but what did he say?!

For endless minutes LBC kept talking about this one’s opinion and bla bla bla… And finally they told us what he has said, and the guy didn’t say anything. But apparently some people felt insulted with what he said, they feel that the Pope said that Islam was spread by the power of the blade, so they had to prove him wrong… They killed a nun, burnt a few churches, threatened Rome and so on.

Yes I am convinced, they are not violent; so people, next time anyone accuses you that you’re violent, and then show him some REAL violence! Then they will have to apologise and they will admit that you’re not violent… After all you could be worse!

But seriously, he shouldn’t have said that, especially not now and not like that, because he ended up looking like the bad guy. I never liked this Pope and I don’t believe his act was an act of bravery it was just... well I don’t know it wasn’t about Islam in the first place, how did they manage to stick Islam in it?! Remember that Article in a British newspaper saying that 53% of the British people believes that Islam is a threat for Europe? Now the Pope’s word’s far more insulting or something? After the Bin Laden Jihad, the Iranian example, the Danish cartoons… Hezbollah’s unification process of the Islamic world and now this, I don’t know but I think the Arab world is trying to sign a sort of divorce with the real world, that’s probably right before they will go back to the embassies begging for a visa, then a few years later they will go blow some trains and stuff… I wonder if Europe’s view isn’t way too exact about the typical Arab.

The Arab world is being really stupid and the Europeans are really fed up with this childish behaviour and the Islamic world responded really awfully to the Pope’s word… Did they disprove him? Did they invite the Christians for a dialogue? A real one?

No they did not. That’s the problem the Muslim world, it is trying to defend, with the modern methods, archaic values. It is not about anyone trying to attack Islam, it’s about the Arabs’ inability to even TRY and figure out a human way to live. Muslims (at least those who are shouting against the Pope right now) are trying to view the Europeans and Americans like some variety of the Christians that exist in here and the long centuries of connections between the Arab world and the Occident, the Arabs don’t understand the European mind, how many Orientalists and Arabists have you known and how many Occidentalists?

As a result Europe tries to understand the Arab world, they understand the specificity and the traditions of the Arab world, they respect that, see how Muslims and Arabs are treated in Europe (far better than they are treated in the Arab world). Instead of understanding this as a fair and good move from the European side, the Arabs consider it to be a sign of weakness and they demand even more.

The truth is, the Christians around here are simply a minority and share too many characteristics with the Muslim world, so we can just get along most of the time and when some radicals get upset about something we just push our heads in the sand and try to reduce the attackers’ anger. So these radicals believe that they can also intimidate Europe. I doubt it.

Now the Muslim clerics want an obvious apology, something like:

“I am sorry! Please please please forgive me I am stupid, I was wrong…”

Something like the previous Pope’s apology toward the Jews for the holocaust. But I believe there should be no apology further than the one that was given on Sunday. Anything more than this would be a submission to the Blackmail as Dr. Noujaymi said yesterday on Al-Hadath (LBC):

“We have a street that contains some extremists and they might use the Pope’s word in some bad manor.”

If this isn’t blackmail then I don’t know what could be blackmail.

But you know what? Forget about all the subconscious reasons for this attack; let’s try to listen to what the radicals want. They want Islam to be respected but let’s look the other way, let’s see how are the Non-Muslims being treated in the Arab world:
The Christians are not satisfied, don’t ask the ones that are still living here, ask those who have left and there fore no longer fear for their lives. But their situation is survivable and excellent if compared with Jews. The Jews don’t suffer from physical damage, because their population has disappeared from the whole Arab world. It’s the whole Jewish religion that’s often attacked, many religious men consider it is their right to attack Jews, the Jewish man is the evil man… Where’s the respect to all religions?

I believe the Arab world needs to learn how to hear criticism again, the Muslims (in this case) need to hear that the world won’t justify everything that was done, that non-Muslims are going to criticise the Muslim lifestyle, just as they criticise everything else. The Pope did not criticise Islam, but criticism is coming and God help us when that will happen, I worry especially for all the Christian minorities in the Muslim world. This was just the prelude.

Now, How should I describe my week? On the personal level it was a very difficult week.

Anyway this and other things made me really depressed and feeling a great stress (my heart was hurting me!) but I am feeling better now, probably because I'm ovulating, so the next few days should really be fun.

As for this week's entries:
Bashir the way I see him and answer to Shlemazl's comment on my post a few weeks ago


Call me when you're sober v/s اعتزلت الغرام A small note about the video clips

Interesting bus driver About a bus driver that looked a lot like a guy I once knew

Sweetest bus neighbor Ok I just like bus drives

Hamra?! Hehe just read it.

My mom went to my brother’s school on Thursday. They said they wouldn’t accept him in school unless we pay this year’s entrance fees (around 150$) and some of last year’s (we still owe them 600$ from last year). Not to mention that we still owe my elder brother’s school some 600$ too and that I need around 300$ for college. I don’t see how will we pay this with my dad’s mediocre salary. But we could also borrow money from my brother (he was going to pay his school anyway), but this would probably the worst thing ever for my dad since he always believed that he would do anything to provide us with the best start ever, not to raise us and make us work so that we would pay his bills. My dad actually works almost 12 hours/day, 7 days a week in spite of a terrible back pain.

You might wonder why we let ourselves into this shit? Well… What choices do we have, in Lebanon there’s little social protection, for elementary school, private schools are a must, and as for my elder brother, well he couldn’t go to public school after high school because he failed his exams, so my parents went for public institutes (money can buy anything) and as far as I am concerned, the 300$ are for the whole academic year so it's not much.

I just wish I had worked this year!

This entry is a response to a comment posted by shlemazl on my weird entry a few weeks ago.

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First of all, I would like to clear that I don’t usually talk like this about Bashir Gemayel, because it might make me seem as if I hate Bashir, which isn’t true. I profoundly admire this man. He was intelligent and was fully aware of it. He managed to pump in the Christians a hope and a feeling of power. He also dared to say what the Christians craved to hear but none dared to utter. I will never forget his famous quote:

We [the Christians] are the Angels of this Orient and its Devils

Or when he dared to defy the whole world including the Vatican (there fore daring to defy the Christian authorities in Lebanon). He preached an independent Lebanon that be annexed to no one.

I would never allow myself to attack this man and to deny his achievements. But then again, history is the judge of all achievements. Let’s be reasonable and recalculate what has this man actually achieved, on the long term.

First of all, Bashir gained a lot of popularity among people but made so many enemies also, to the point where he failed to preserve neither his daughter’s nor his own life. I don’t say that as a way to make fun of him or anything, I just think he should have known better.

On the other hand Bashir was a radical Christian and never cared to hide it. When he became a president he said that from now on he will work for the best of everybody (Muslims and Christians) but his history wasn’t so promising and he never really left his Christian corner. Doesn’t that remind you of Hezbollah’s attitude? And again, I don’t say this as an attack, but there are historical facts that can’t be neglected and we need to be objective if we want to avoid mistakes.

In addition, Bashir was a warlord, and as far as I am concerned warlords are always bad news. Warlords excel in wars and enjoy it (whether they know it or not). Countries on the other hand, need politicians, real ones at least. Some warlords turn out to be good politicians also, but that usually results from a complete make over that few succeed in. Take Michel Aoun for example, his total failure as a president and his 15 years exile in France didn’t help him become anything close to a politician and he is still a warlord. Now many might argue that Bashir would have been an excellent politician IF he weren’t killed. Personally I doubt it, think of Bashir’s ways, his tactics often included eliminating all competitors. Eventually, when he died there were no one left to take his place except for his brother (I don’t see how did that serve the Christian or the Lebanese people).

Bashir broke the Christian front that he claimed to defend and he did so in ways that time will probably never heal. What does history remember him for? The Tony Franjiyeh murder? His failed attempt to absorb the Marada brigade (Franjiyeh family’s militia)? His successful attempt to absorb Noumour L-Ahrar (another small Christian militia)? I am fully aware of the need to unite the Christian front that was behind these moves, but can you really call killing all opponents as a unification process? Bashir never gave a reasonable choice for others; he only gave them one option to unite under his leadership or die. That’s dictatorship! Michel Aoun did the same a few years later and no one calls him a hero. Why do we justify for Bashir what we blame Aoun for? Maybe because he was more charismatic, or maybe because he died, but nothing should make us forget our aims and targets and distort our rational view, we might sympathise with a martyr but we don’t forget all his mistakes.

Now let’s talk about the more specific and personal details. Has anyone noticed the stunning resemblance between Kennedy and Gemayel? Now, of course they were both killed shortly after their election, but that’s not the resemblance I am talking about, I want to talk about the character resemblance.

First of all, they were both brave… Or maybe irrational daredevils. Take Bashir’s personal security for example. The guy that everyone wanted his neck, his little daughter (back then she was his only child) had already been killed… But he didn’t use any real security measures to protect his life. Apparently he relied on secrecy and apparently that was not enough. In fact many people admired him for having so little protection, they say that this meant he was closer to his people and all… But let’s face facts, when you have a dream and you believe that only you can achieve it, to the point where you would kill all others that claim they can achieve it… Wouldn’t you try to at least protect yourself? I believe he trusted that secrecy was enough, which shows an excessive and irrational self-confidence.

Many have talked about Kennedy’s Psychological problems and addictions. Such research will never take place in Lebanon. I am personally convinced that Bashir’s outgoing personality was not perfectly normal, but I could never judge about that.
Now Shlemazl, in your comment you said that Bashir was a patriotic man. Even though I do believe the honesty of his intentions, I would like to mention that almost all warlords were in theory patriotic. All Lebanese factions participated in the Civil War to defend Lebanon. Patriotism in politics is a very plastic and artificial thing, there are just too many Lebanons and so little in common between them. I would be extra careful while talking about patriotism and especially while talking about people such as Bashir.

Finally, I would like to repeat myself; I do respect and admire Bashir, but to portray him as the lost hope of Christians and their beloved grail, the solution to problems, the key to dignity and human rights… Well that’s an exaggeration; he was a charismatic and smart person.

I have watched today (Friday) to the new video clip of evanescence call me when you’re sober (well I am not certain how new it is, I just watched it for the 1st time. I can’t really say the song was impressing, less than average. What interested me was the video clip itself.

When I first saw the clip it instantly reminded me of the Magida Roumy’s clip, for the song اعتزلت الغرام .

Both start with the singer sitting at the end of a very long table and facing, at the other end, a man.

Both clips describe the end of an abusive and unhealthy relationship where the woman was reduced to the level of an “object”.

Both men were represented as powerful and insensitive, the woman, at first glamorous then revolts and walks away.

Now of course there’s significant difference, for example Magida’s clip didn’t have demonic symbols (goat horns rising from the chairs, big bad wolves…). However, at least as far as I’m concerned, the two clips had the same spirit. If I were such a musicophile, I would have been able to judge of any copying, but I am not, so I just notice stuff…

My mom became particularly agitated on Thursday, just before I walked out of the house to go to Hamra, she had another of those Why Hamra crisis!

Anyway, the bus drive was cool, especially the second one (well you have probably noticed by now how much I LOVE bus drives… Well I love any sort of ride). I found only one free place in the whole bus, but my neighbor was so sweet. Everything about him inspires sweetness. He was rather small, but so CUTE! He was also good for directions, but that comes later.

The coolest thing about him was that I could simply stare at him without getting any retaliation. In fact I kept staring all through the road. His hair was so short, his eyes were beautiful (prettier than any girl’s eyes). His brown hair, eyes, the perfection of his face’s lines… My God! He was so edible! If I weren’t myself I would have kidnapped him.

He was fully equipped with his Arsenal of technological things, including a cute tiny cell phone that he used to listen to the radio. Meanwhile I was just staring at him, ok I admit it was rude, I was taking advantage of his politeness, but I don’t know he was so charming. He didn’t seem to even notice.

At a certain moment, I felt lost so I panicked and asked him where we were. I wasn’t lost and he was so nice guiding me, he even told me how to know when I would arrive to Hamra. His eyes were so… so… never mind! Because in no time he reached his destination and left * sniff *. Oh ok! I admit I wouldn’t have liked him as much I do now if he would have tried to hit on me before leaving the bus or anything.

He was so perfect.

On Tuesday I went to college to check the exact dates of my exams. On the way home I got into the bus (as I always do).

As soon as I made my first step into the bus, the face of the driver captivated my attention. He seemed so familiar. At first sight he looked so much like Claude… Oh you don’t know who’s Claude?! Well he was the closest thing I ever got to being in love… Or maybe he was my only chance to love. Anyway, that’s not the point; the point is that he looked so much like him, especially when you look at his thick eyebrows, the big nose and the overall oblong form of his head (yes I know he wasn’t pretty but I he didn’t need it). The charm of the moment was so sweet, it’s been 4 years since he rejected me, in fact there were never any real relationship between us, we never even sat on private. But there is one way to win this girl’s heart and he knew it. And now 4 years later, his memory is still so vivid. I even remember his smell.

I looked again at the Driver and the magic was gone, the difference was obvious. The driver had dark green eyes. But the resemblance was still obvious too. The Driver noticed my attention to him, he looked back at me in such a weird way.

I spent the whole ride secretly looking at him. It wasn’t just the physical resemblance, it was everything about him, his attitude, the look in his eyes. After observing the whole bus very carefully and here’s the report:

• He’s Christian, a Maronite Christian more precisely


• He’s an LF member


• He’s from the North (Batroun more precisely)


• He’s a good man

The same goes for Claude. That’s probably why I felt this resemblance.

The most important thing about this incident, was that it showed me just how unchanged my feelings have been through the years. I don’t know if I should feel good or bad about that. If I would meet Claude again I wouldn’t want to have any relationship with him what so ever. I am different and so he is he, we simply diverted, I still admire him so much, if anyone asks me about him I would have only one word to describe him: He’s a gentleman. Nothing will change that. But I am no longer a Lady in that sense and I don’t even miss those days, I love being what I am now and I love the change that I have witnessed in these last few years, I still love the memory of the first man who saw the Lady in me but… But he wouldn’t love me if he knew me now.

OK, this is funny, I love my Mom but sometimes she just becomes excessively protective. These conversations took place on Wednesday the day before I went to the helem headquarter:

part I

Mom: So, do you have any plans for tomorrow? I need to go to your brother’s school, maybe you can take care of him for an hour.

Becca: Sure, I am only busy in the afternoon

Mom: Really? Where?

Becca: In Hamra

Mom: *Laughs* [to be honest, you can’t blame her for laughing I never go out of home, and usually that’s either with my cousin or just for a walk, so it didn’t sound right]

Becca: You think I’m joking?

Mom: You’re serious?!

Becca: Uhh…. Yes!

Mom: Hamra?! What’s in Hamra?!

Becca: I’m just meeting some friends that I used to be in contact with through internet [Oh come on! You didn’t think I’ll just tell her I’m going to meet a group of homosexuals that I consider as friends?!]

Mom: Nshallah you’re not going to meet some Gays and Lesbians? [I suppose a mother’s heart always knows!]

Becca * Laughs *

Mom: And why in Hamra? Do you know where that is? That’s in the Gharbiyyeh [That’s Lebanese for West Beirut]?!

Becca: Relax mama, I know these people

Mom: When?

Becca:Around 6 pm

Mom: Shu?! Why so late?!

Becca: I don’t know, Mom, probably work and stuff

Mom: Boy or girl

Becca: A GROUP of people

Mom: Why in Hamra?! Why can’t they come here?!

Becca * Ignores the question *

At this point a long conversation takes place, in which she expresses her concerns about me going to West Beirut, ALONE to meet people that my Mom never met. I mainly nodded, laughed and giggled (especially when she repeated: In Hamra?!)

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Part II: In the evening, 5 minutes after my dad came home

Mom: You know? You’re daughter’s going out tomorrow… In HAMRA, she’s meeting people she had met on the Internet

Dad: Really? [Then he looks at me] DO you know how to get there?

Becca: Well, I won’t get lost, I will ask the bus drivers

Dad: Well go to Nahr L-Mott then take bus #2

Becca: Ok, thanks

Mom: Hamra?!

Silence for a while… Almost 15 minutes, then my Mom addresses me again

Mom: You know if you marry a Hezbollah I’ll lose my mind

Ok I can understand her concerns, really, I do, but when did Hezbollah get into the picture?! Hezbollah doesn’t even spread in the heart of West Beirut, and when did I ever appear as a big fan of Hezbollah? And where did all the “I trust your judgment” bullshit go? I couldn’t help laughing real hard.

Becca: You know mama, I am going to tell them this is what you think!

Mom: Don’t do that!… It would be impolite

Starting from this point I’m constantly laughing

Becca: Ok, just a question… What about a Jew? Can I marry a Jew?

Mom: Oh a Jew is no problem, I wouldn’t mind you marrying a Jewish person Then she turns to my dad to get a conformation What do you think? If a Jewish man and a Hezbollah both want to take your daughter, wouldn’t you prefer a Jew?

Becca: Now mama! When did I ever turn into a tomato that you and my Dad choose who to sell to?

Mom: Yes, go ahead, be mean to me. It’s my fault that I care

Becca: Ok, ok… What about a Muslim Lebanese?

Mom: Well, I wouldn’t stop you… But you know what I think about it

Becca:Ok, what about a Muslim Arab ?

Mom: So that’s what’s on your mind!!! You want to marry an Egyptian Muslim guy!! I knew it!

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Moms are so cute! I just feel sorry for putting her through all this.

Oh, and if you are wondering where did the Egyptian Muslim came from?… Well I have no idea. Why Egyptian, I thought she’d fear a Syrian Muslim as a priority but an Egyptian?

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Update

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Due to some problems I failed to meet the witch I was supposed to meet which disappointed me badly, but my doesn't know it, so she's still nagging me about HAMRA?! so SHHH! Don't tell her

I forgot to mention it last week, but my exams were delayed till September the 18th. Yes I'm a lucky bitch! If you think that I've studied a lot, you'd naturally be wrong, I wouldn't be a bitch if I studied now would I? Anyway, there is still hope.

I was more active this week (see told you I'm not studying) but the real reason behind that is that I fiannly started writing my entries on paper before typing them on the PC, this is good to resist against electricity cuts.




Little birds erotica A cute entry about how my mom tries to monitor my access to porn

My dad and Nagib Mahfouz it's just something that bothered me the other day

Ron Arad To express my worries about the program that will be broadcasted on LBC

How did they do it a comparison between the civil war and the July war

Thoughts about God I apologise in advance for any insult to anyone that might feel insulted, a little long

Peace with Israel very long post, only read it if you are extremely patient

Thoughts about God
So I’ve been thinking lately… I know, I know, who would have thought that I am capable of thinking; but we all have our moments.

Anyway, I was thinking about God lately. In the past couple of years, I have grown too far away the catholic ideology. The divergence has long crossed the limit of divorce. I find it even impossible to understand how cans anyone that’s looking for any truth to restrict his mind to the church’s perspective. I am neither scared nor ashamed to say that, as a proof, I have admitted to my close family that I have little or no faith in the church; I have even said that I despise them. I think my mom was heart broken but she understands… Well maybe not “understand”, maybe her words would express it better:

“Rebecca, I tried really hard to understand you for years, I never did, I probably won’t understand you, but I do accept you however you are and I want you to know that”.

However, I am not saying that as if I despise those who still believe in the church and trust it. I can totally understand the beauty of surrendering to the church and I don’t hate the clergy or anything. I will always be grateful to Aboona Peter who was there who helped me turn that difficult page of my life for good. I will never forget Aboona Bernard who almost adopted me when I admit to him my little secret. No I don’t hate it. I just know one thing, the church is not the solution, in fact it is dangerous, and all those good people who try hard to fit into the church and remain human, they are just wasting their time, but it’s no big deal it doesn’t matter, it’s not a race for heaven and there is nothing to risk but some personal disappointment.

As far as I’m concerned I stopped praying and saying “I’m sorry” a long time ago, I did it as a break back then. Now I am totally convinced that choice was the right one, it is a waste of time to pray. I don’t regret it.

The difficult question is: Do I still believe in God?

I know most people simply know what they believe. Some are Theist other Atheist, for some the question of God is absurd, why should there be any God, it’s simply not part of there philosophy, I am talking most of all about Buddhism (I say that talking out of my very restricted knowledge in Buddhism).

As for me, I profoundly believe in God that remained unchanged all my life, I never blamed God for anything in my life, I never hated God, I simply never thought about it. Until the last couple of years I simply believed in God. I genuinely understand the how can an Atheist be an Atheist, just as I genuinely understand how can a Religious person be so Religious. In fact I have no problem admitting my profound love and admiration for both Religious and Atheist people. But I also know it’s not me.

It’s funny, but I constantly keep going back to what Nietzsche said:

there is no truth, just interpretations

But eventually it’s either God exists or doesn’t.

So… Does God exist?
Did God create us to his image?
Did we create God to our image (either the perfect image or the most powerful picture)?
Where is God?
Hell? Heaven? Both? None?

Life’s a mess… But eventually I came to some simple convictions, that are not really useful to anyone but that simply fit perfectly in my soul:

• One can live a perfectly healthy and good life without even thinking about the existence of God.


• God is not interested or not strong enough. Either cases he will not live our lives for us. So all of us lazy asses better start moving our ugly asses to get a life.


• God in fact walks next to us in life. Sort of like a good friend and not really a Master


• No religion, holy book or holy person has ever captured the essence of God. Simply because God never revealed himself to us.


• Nothing we can do, say or feel will neither hurt or glorify God, why would God create such weak and vulnerable creatures just to “glorify” him, what a desperate, miserable God would make a weak creature in hope of saving it from its weakness so that he would be glorified… Nah, I’m not convinced.


• We biologically and psychologically need to believe in God or any other form of spirituality


• God gave us the ability to understand many things in our lives and surrounding. Anything beyond our ability to know is simply not important enough and certainly or worth making wars and killing others to convince them.


• God’s will is clearly incrusted in our souls, wouldn’t that make sense? If God wanted us to walk our way through life and find our way with almost no concrete directions, wouldn’t he certainly put a grain inside us guiding us to a safe way home?


• God’s not a male (DUH!!!)


• I know nothing about God


• The existence of heaven or hell is so irrelevant to our path in life. Someone that doesn’t hurt someone because s/he fears hell will simply never feel the pleasure of living the beautiful experience called “loving”. A person that helps someone in order to go to heaven will never experience the pleasure of helping someone. Hell or heaven is like jail, meant to tame people and not help them.


• Holy books are full of lies that try to legitimise the political role of religious institutions, search for the philosophy of each religion, there lays the whole beauty


• Religions are a smart way to work politics


• Monotheistic religions (including my own religion: Christianity) are strongly implicated in the Semitic mentality and it was a crime to impose it on others, where did they ever find in the “love philosophy” of Jesus, for example, the justifications of all that blood shed for the past 2000 years?!


• Religions are a source of Hypocrisy and egocentrism and false feeling of superiority… In fact religions dangerous, religious fanatics will last as long as religions will exist and some people would try to identify themselves by pointing out the examples of what they are not

All the ideas that I have just expressed are neither a truth nor a fact, this is just what I believe at this moment. My short experience in Life has taught me that I will grow with every passing day and changing so fast and so often is probably the thing I love the most about myself and the only advice I can ever give to anyone… Keep looking God will never be angry at anyone for trying to find the truth, even if this anyone stops believing in God. Would have God gave us a brain if he wanted others to think for us?

Any criticism is welcome and I would love to know if anyone has different thoughts about this.

Recently, there were a lot of talks about peace with Israel. In Lebanon it is mentioned as an act of treason. Many keep on repeating the same sentence:

Lebanon will be the last Arab country to sign peace with Israel

But we all know how things happen in here, Hezbollah’s still insisting that his disarmament is out of the question… Yeah, Right!

Personally, I am deeply favorable to any peace agreement with Israel. But regardless if my personal admiration for Israelis in general, there are many positive things that Lebanon can gain through by stopping this state of war with Israel.

First of all, a peace agreement will certainly help Lebanon dissociate its fate from the Arab/Israeli conflict and more precisely the Syrian/Israeli conflict. You people have certainly heard about how Syria needs Lebanon to free to Golan, I will not add to that. Just notice one thing, after the July war against Lebanon, the peace process with the Arabs in general was given priority again and the Golan file was opened for the first time (at least it was discussed). And if the Syrians would get the Golan back, then it would be a huge victory that they would have achieved for free! However no agreement between Syria and Israel is being discussed, just some wireless flirting and fighting. Which is ever worse than an agreement itself, because now the Syrians feel closer than ever to getting the Golan back, so they will do anything to keep the tension going on the Lebanese front and would do anything to prove that Syria detains the ability to solve (or not) the Hezbollah armament issue.

This may give the illusion that MAYBE an agreement between Syria and Israel would help solve the problem. NOT TRUE! If the Syrian table is fed with some Lebanese Jambon then this will sink Lebanon more into the Arab struggle and other brothers and friends will refuse to remain hungry and would want some of the Lebanese Jambon.

That’s why the whole dissociation process is so critical. And this is why we, the Lebanese, desperately need to centralise power and neutralise any external influence in Lebanon… But it isn’t so simple you know.

Anyway, another benefit Lebanon might get from any peace agreement with Israel, is a potential trade line, not necessarily importing and exporting with Israel, but simply to get a land bridge, other than Syria. You see, Lebanon only has two neighboring countries: Syria and Israel. The Israeli border is constantly closed (for all the obvious reasons). This leaves us totally dependant to the Syrian mood. Considering how important our transit activity is for us, you could guess how difficult the situation is. Notice, for example, the recent issue made about the borders with Syria. The Syrian part disliked the deployment of Lebanese soldiers on the Norhtern and the Eastern borders, but accepted it because they knew that it would pose a major problem if they play their cards well (in other terms, they knew they could always blackmail us with closing the borders and the army would have to accept their terms). But when there were certain suggestions that there might be an international force deployed… Bashar went nuts! Arguing that there is no need for any international forces, warning that this will deteriorate the relationship between the neighboring countries, threatening that they will close the borders if this happens. Eventually, the UN subdued and said that they cannot and will nto deploy any forces unless Lebanon demands it. And naturally, Lebanon never dared to even discuss the situation.

Another good point about peace with Israel is the stimulation of the tourism sector. I particularly remember the Egyptian example on this point, the Israelis often go there ( it’s obvious since all the terrorist attacks in Sharam Sheikh end up killing a few Israelis). I don’t see why Lebanon wouldn’t for example attract Israeli tourists. Not to mention that the many Lebanese dream of visiting Jerusalem and other holy places, I certainly wouldn’t mind going there for a visit.

And even on the emotional level it could be a good idea to stop this war situation. This would help reduce the Christian sense of insecurity since many Christians trust Israel more than they trust Syria, but we are still forced to consider Israel as an enemy and Syria as a friend?!

In general, ALL Lebanese would feel terribly better if the southern borders would settle down once and for all. This last war and the whole beware the Israeli Monsters is making us all sick to our stomach, the Syrians used it to justify their occupation of Lebanon and Hezbollah still uses it to justify its armament.

Finally, Israel is potentially a strong ally, I recall here the Jordanian example, through its firm alliance with both Israel and the USA, Jordany was able to preserve both its integrity and its wealth. At the same time, Jordany is able to express any criticism it may feel necessary to Israel. That’s a luxury that we as Lebanese are deprived of regarding our relationship with all Arab countries for example. Israel in general is far more reliable than most Arab countries. Israel is a modern country that relies on international relationships and so on. While the Arab countries are dictatorships often ruled by emotional decisions and in which the governments are in total divorce with the people.


For all the reasons that I have mentioned previously, I am convinced that peace with Israel is potentially a good idea. However, the Israeli issue is not at all that simple. Peace with Israel will cause many problems.

The most obvious reason is that Lebanon is one of the most democratic countries of the Arab world. In spite of all its flaws the Lebanese system cannot impose on the Lebanese people to sign peace with Israel. In Egypt for example the peace agreement is not a popular choice; most Egyptians are fully aware that this agreement is for their own benefit and there fore secretly want it but in public they refuse it and they would have refused it if they would have had the choice. And frankly, while many Lebanese are favorable to a peace agreement, many others totally refuse it! Let’s dissect the Lebanese community in a very generalizing way:

Shiia
No way!!!!

Sunna
When it comes to peace with Israel they stand with the Shiia

Druze
Well the Druze have no problem with Israel (many Lebanese Druze immigrated to Israel) but the Druze always need to blend in their society, so they would spit on the Israeli flag if the majority is doing the same.

Christians
Ha! They’d never dare to speak it this loud. They have suffered enough from simply being Christians (there fore, friends of Jews). During the last 15 years for example, the LF members were being put to jail for political purposes under which excuse? High treason and cooperation with Israel. And besides they are now, as they always were, divided and fragile.

Maybe the moderate Lebanese, regardless of their religious belonging would support peace with Israel, but frankly, they are a very slim minority, they have no wieght and they are too scared from the radicals. Not to mention that any moderate Arab is already half way out of Lebanon.

Another obstacle facing any peace talks is the question of Lebanon’s Arabism. Lebanon is often seen as less Arab than others. And in fact Lebanon is far less attached to Arabism anyway. After all Lebanon is a country with an Arab Façade, in other terms we speak Arabic but we are not really Arabs. SO any cooperation with Israel will be an act of treason, almost as if we have to prove our Arabic attachment twice as much as other Arab countries.

In addition, some people argue that Israel is totally unreliable, that any alliance or peace talks with Israel is a risk that’s not worth being taken, that Israel only has one ally, and needs no other: The USA. Israel takes a lot from the Arabs, promises them a lot and then sells them as soon as the winds change again. I often hear this argument among the Christians who often regard the final Syrian invasion as the direct result of the Israeli treason to there Christian partners (especially the LF) who totally depend on them. This point is not very convincing and in fact there were never any alliance between Israel and the LF, but the point is that many Lebanese Christians are convinced with this and are emotionally not willing to trust the Israelis in anything.

Now regardless of all these emotional arguments. Putting Lebanon and Israel on the same camp might stimulate tourism and even encourage trade, but wouldn’t that establish an unbalanced competition between the two? In fact, both Lebanon and Israel have a lot in common. They are both small countries with important trade activity, they are both a link between the East and the West. They both suffer from the weakness of there agricultural and industrial sectors. They both represent the only Non-Muslim Arab countries. What will happen if they cooperate? Well, frankly, I think Lebanon would be the losing part of this, because Lebanon’s considered to be an intellectual reservoir, we have a great percentage of college graduates who immigrate to the Arab countries. Israel on the other hand has its own cast of intellectuals and is in fact superior to Lebanon in all sectors, even those in which Israel is weak. This won’t help, we need a cooperation that would help provide jobs for our youth not a country that would compete with them.

But all these problems are negotiable and rather easy to solve. But what can be done about the Palestinian refugees. The Palestinian refugees are 400 000 in a country of 4 000 000, that’s the double of the Druze population. For the time being they are excluded from the Lebanese politics, but we can’t keep on doing this for ever, it’s not human. We can’t integrate them in our society either. And last time I checked Israel was not willing to take them back. Any peace talks must certainly discuss this issue, and to be honest it is only natural that Israel would take them back (regardless of their own reserves about it) or find them a solution outside Lebanon. Not that I am oblivious to Israel’s problem regarding this issue, but why would the region’s most fragile country be forced to digest the Middle East’s most complex problem.


As you can see, peace with Israel is not a simple process, none can predict the outcome of such cooperation and judging from the fragility of the internal situation, I’d say that any prediction is useless. Only time will tell.

Last year when we got our internet connection at home, my mom was very clear about it, she refuses that we would use it for porn!

No, honestly, I DO respect my mom, her values and her wishes, but I happen to like porn! So you could say I kind of neglected this little request and since she never caught me, it was all good.

I no longer have internet at home, but don’t feel sorry for me, I’m resourceful. During the braderie du livre in the CCF a couple of months ago, I found a small livre de poche for Anais nin, titled: Les petits oiseaux you could say that it’s an artistic erotica, in fact it’s a translation of the English book: “little Birds Erotica”.

I spent three days reading it, I rad it in the living room, I read it in the bedroom, I read it in the kitchen, hell! I even read it while I was helping my little brother with his devoirs de vacances. In other terms I read it right in front of my mom.

What’s ironic is that she was proud to see me read it! She naturally didn’t guess the content of the book, even my rosy cheeks didn’t give her a clue. That’s the cool thing about reading books it’s always a win/win situation. People say that the internet might be good or bad, the TV might be good or bad… But reading? It’s always good!

If only she knew.

I suppose many of you have heard about Nagib Mahfouz’ death. I was not particularly sad for his death, after such a difficult life, in such a difficult place, at such a difficult time, it’s his legitimate right to die. Not to mention that seeing so many people facing premature and violent deaths, makes me a little releaved to finally see someone simply dying because he has lived for too long and needing to move to a new phase of life.

On Friday, my brother and I were talking about Nagib Mahfouz. We spent time expressing our admiration and comparing this man to the average Homo jerkus that populates the region. We talked about how difficult it would be for the Arab world to see someone like him, judging from the mental bleed the Middle East is suffering from, we both agreed that it’ll be long before we would see another nagib Mahfouz.

In the midst of our admiration frenzy, my dad comes in (he was putting my little brother to bed) he sits in his in his favorite corner, puts his hand on the remote control device and we instantly knew that he was going to change the channel (we were watching a small documentary about Nagib Mahfouz). We didn’t mind, but as part of our family legacy we felt the need to open an intellectual conversation with my dad, so my brother asked:

- Baba, do you remember the time when Nagib Mahfouz received his Nobel prize?

The question itself may sound silly, since the even took place only 20 years ago, but we didn’t expect him to take notice of this event since that was in the middle of the Civil War…

- Oh yes, I remember it well… {Wow he remembers it! My dad the Anti-Arab remembers it! He admire him a lot}… at that time, the committee figured that no Arab has ever won the Nobel prize for literature and it was about time, so they gave him the prize…

Well I suppose it would give my dad a head ache to admit that maybe, just MAYBE a non-Lebanese non-Christian Arab MIGHT be worth admiration! It would kill him to admit that an Arab did something that the Lebanese failed to do.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am a very proud Lebanese (it might not be obvious because, but I am). But I try not to let my personal patriotism minimise the achievement of others.

You see, that’s what bothers me about my dad, he’s smart, really smart, his devotion to his family is beyond description and his love for us leaves many others jealous (without any exaggeration). He encouraged us to think, read and innovate, he supports us and believes in us even when we don’t believe in ourselves. But why does he have to be so stuborn and unfair for others?

Now when my brother and I heard him talk like that we were deeply disappointed. My brother tried reasoning with him, telling him that Mahfouz has written books are really interesting and describe life in Egypt as it really is, that it was art, real art.

As expected my dad increased the tempo and went straight to say that none of his writings were even “readable” and had absolutely no artistic value.

Yep, this meant that the conversation was OVER!

Many people compare the recent July war to the Lebanese Civil War, even though there is little similarity between the two. But ultimately both wars have at least one thing in common:

They were both Wars

And you know… War sucks, it’s a terrible experience, and in spite of all its flaws politics remains much better.

Now, I said it clearly and I repeat it again, I was personally very isolated from the war. Jounieh almost didn’t suffer from the war (in comparison with other regions). But still at night, I would stay up late at night listening to the sound of planes in the sky. The sound was low, and even inaudible by day, but it really makes you feel vulnerable. Suppose they shoot! Who will stop them? Hezbollah certainly wouldn’t! I knew that the IDF had no reason to fear us, in Jounieh, but I was scared never the less. I was scared most of all for my brother, he’s just a child, if they shoot somewhere near us (like the port for example) we would be physically safe, but how will we reassure him? I imagined him many times waking up at the sound of bombs… After a few minutes these thoughts become intolerable, knowing that I can do nothing to protect him, knowing that no one is capable and willing to protect us, sometimes it would be better to be born a thoughtless worm in the ground.

I never assumed that Israel would have any concern about the safety of the Lebanese citizens, why should it? Our own politicians don’t care for us. But in the first week, I tried hard to justify the Israeli action, I was positive, I thought this will lead to the disarmament of Hezbollah, the damage is already done, right? I remained positive for a long time, then I just lost it all! I seriously felt sick to my stomach from all this idiocy, it was obviously going no where and it was obvious Hezbollah won’t disarm and it was obvious that there is no place for neither reason nor democracy in this fucked up Middle East! Why do we bother? Why do we still believe?

Today, my opinion remains unchanged: Lebanon’s not worth it. Nothing’s worth dying for, and democratic expression is helpless in the face of radicalisation and extremism.

It took me only 34 days of war to reach this conclusion. I think of my parents, they went through 15 years of war! How did they do it? And most of all, how did they keep their faith in Lebanon? My dad didn’t even try to leave Lebanon until the late 1980s and then when the Ta’ef was signed he decided to stay here. He believed in Lebanon, he still does, in a way. How can they do that?

The other day I asked my mom how they endured the war, she gave me the answer that my dad had given me 3 weeks ago:

What choices did we have? It was fight or die. They wanted our heads

On one hand I do understand their fears, on the other I find it totally irrational. And besides, if reason didn’t convince them of the futility of that war, wouldn’t 15 years of war convince them?

15 years, of death, misery, humiliation, fear, bombings, massacres, displacement… And still they believed in war as the unique option. My mom says that if any civil war explodes in Lebanon again she refuses that we would participate in it, she’d leave Lebanon even if she had to do so by swimming in the sea. My dad never declared his opinion about it, my uncle from my dad’s side (he was permanently disabled during the last week of the war) says he even misses those days. My other uncles from my dad’s side don’t declare any opinion; I think there position would depend on the circumstances. On my mother’s side it’s unanimous, they would all participate in war, and seriously believe they can and will win it (?!).

How can people still believe in war…

I have heard this week about a program that the LBC has prepared and will broadcast on the 5th and 6th of September about Ron Arad and the other Israeli prisoners.

In Lebanon, there weren’t any excessive interest in this issue, of course we are all looking forward to watch it but not exactly worried about it or anything. But I can only imagine the state of mind of the soldier’s parents and family. I have mentioned last week my own uncle and we are fully aware of his certain death, but still my grandparents still hope. It’s really difficult to let a person go when they never get the chance to actually touch the person, to directly say “Goodbye”.

I have heard that Israeli sources classify this as part of the psychological war. Personally, I find it unlikely; I believe that this is just a TV thing, in order to get publicity and money from it.
I find it difficult to believe that the LBC would engage in a psychological war against Israel, 70% of the employees in that company are still LF members. The company would never defend Israel or even try to help any Israeli family in reaching a conclusion about their lost child. But they will certainly not move a finger in a psychological war against Israel.

The real problem is that this will not really be a “documentary” or an “investigation”, it will just be a TV thing meant to provoke so much feelings and so much tears and anger. I worry about the parents hoping too much, stressing too much, and then discovering later that the whole thing was not worth it. My biggest worries is that the LBC would try to give the impression that Ron Arad’s fate is still uncertain, or worse, maybe that there were something that could have been done but wasn’t done. I trust that IF there were 0.00000001% chance that Arad was still alive, then the Israeli secret services would have been the first to know, not to mention that Hezbollah would have tried to take some profit from it. Opening 20 years old wounds will be painful for them. Unless this program has any sort of useful information for the parents then it would be really immoral. But then again, when did TV have any moral.

I’ll try to watch the program and maybe record it, but I don’t know I think that the Arad family shouldn’t give it much importance we all know he’s dead.